Gay Questions Answered For Parents Of Gay Children
Listed below are the most frequently asked gay questions and answers.
Finding out your son or daughter is gay,lesbian,bisexual or transgender can be devestating. I hope these gay questions and answers help.
Why Did He Or She Have To Tell Us?
Firstly, because they want to share with you who they really are. They want to be honest to the people they love and care about. Living a lie can be a major burden to carry.
It is a very difficult admission for them to make and they need the support and understanding of the people that mean the most to them. Some parents initially think it would be better if they didn’t know. Things were so much easier before they new, but you would for the rest of your life not really know your child at all. How sad would that be.
Homosexuality is not a phase or something they choose to be . It is who they are. It’s not going to go away.
It is true some people do experiment with their sexuality but someone who has reached the point to tell you has thought long and hard about their sexuality, often going through very tormenting moments coming to terms with themselves.
Just imagine if the roles were reversed, you being heterosexual and everyone else homosexual. How would it feel to always have to avoid telling how you really feel or hide details about your life. Especially to the people who you love and trust the most?
Why Did He Or She Take So Long To Tell Us?
Many parents feel guilty because their child has gone through so much on their own before sharing with their loved ones. Often taking years to come to the realization that they are gay. Parents may interpret this as being a lack of trust , lack of love or perhaps bad parenting. It can also be painful to realize that you didn’t know your child as well as you thought. Remember how hard it has been for your child to come to terms with his or her sexuality.
We still live in a society that misunderstands or is fearful of gay people, and it takes a long time for homosexuals to acknowledge their own sexuality themselves. Many gay people don’t like themselves or are insecure about their sexuality.
You may feel disappointed because you feel he or she could tell you anything but remember what picture our society paints. Your child may have not known your feelings on homosexuality or maybe they new too well your feelings on this subject. Sometimes we as parents have said negative things about gay people, so why would our children want to tell us they are gay.
Why Did He Or She Do This To Us?
Firstly, what have they done to us? They have shown great courage and love in coming to us and telling us something so very personal and important about who they are. You should be proud and happy that your child has taken the step to let you see into who he or she really is. Remember this is your son or daughter, the same son or daughter you have always loved.
Some parents feel angry and hurt because now they are forced to have to deal with their own emotions and understanding of homosexuality. This will be very hard for some parents. This is where you need to read as much as you can to educate yourself. Learn that it is not a choice to be gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgender. Your children have not told you this to hurt you or make you unhappy. They just want to be truthful to you about themselves.
Why Is Our Child Gay ?
Some parents feel it is their fault. This is not true. It is not really known for sure what makes someone homosexual, bisexual or transgender but what is known is that it isn’t because of the way they’ve been brought up.
People who are gay or transgender come from all types of backgrounds. There are instances where there is one gay twin and the other is straight. Both brought up exactly the same way. Sometimes there is more than one gay child in the family as is in mine. Both my boys are very different and yet both are gay. They both had male and female influences in their life. They are just who they are.
Some gay people are brought up in single parent homes just like a lot of children these days but not all turn out to be gay. Some children also are brought up with gay parents and they are not gay. It has nothing to do with who or how you were brought up. So you didn’t do anything wrong. We as parents have to accept that it is not our fault and that our children’s sexuality or gender identity is not a choice. Life can be a happy and rewarding one if we let it!
Why Am I Uncomfortable With My Childs Sexuality Or Gender?
Firstly, because they are different from the norm and different from what we had planned. When we have children we already map out their lives even if we don’t realize that we do. We want them to grow up like us, find someone to marry, have children, get a good job, be happy and healthy. All of a sudden we believe this has changed.
We think now they will have a life of secrecy. They wont get married and give us grandchildren. They couldn’t possibly be happy not being heterosexual like us. People will always think we’ve failed as parents. Others will hate or hurt our children, they couldn’t be successful. They’ll act different or look different from other people etc, etc. This is not necessarily true. They can be happy, successful, have a lifetime partner and even have children. Yes, they may look and act sometimes differently than we’d like but we’re all different. This is very new to us and we don’t understand what they’ve told us about themselves so we have to educate ourselves.
Sometimes we find it uncomfortable also because our religion tells us this is wrong and yet we love our children and become confused. This will cause much soul searching for you but in the end with education and much thought please try and remember your child isn’t sick or has not made a choice. It is who he or she is and we can’t change that. Also remember they need your love and acceptance.
Should We Seek Help From A Psychiatrist Or Therapist?
If you feel you need help coming to terms with understanding your child’s sexual or gender identity then by all means go ahead. Or, if your son or daughter is not coping with life or having a hard time coming to terms with his or her sexuality or gender then also take the step to seek help. BUT, if you think you need to seek help in changing your child then STOP!
As I said before they did not choose to be the way they are. You will do more damage than good if you try to change them. How would it make you feel if someone tried to change your sexuality that is so normal to you. It would be devastating.
Will He Or She Have A Family Of Their Own?
That can firstly depend on whether they wish to have a family of their own. For many reasons people don’t wish to have children. It has nothing to do with being gay or straight.
Some gay couples do have children and are very successful parents. Countries and states differ but some couples adopt or foster and some use donor sperm and some use surrogacy.
If they don’t have children in their lives it doesn’t mean they will live lonely lives. Lots of people lose their partners or their children or never have partners and children and still have very active and happy social lives.
We Have Accepted Our Son Or Daughter But Why Must They Flaunt Their Sexuality?
This is the same as saying to my husband that he can’t hold my hand in public because we will be flaunting our heterosexuality. What an absurd thing to say. Of course we can hold hands in public. Why not, we are a couple in love. So why can’t my gay boys walk hand in hand with someone they love. Because society doesn’t like it. But the only way this will change is for it to happen and people get used to it. Gay people are not doing anything we heterosexuals don’t do. They are being themselves. Showing and receiving affection from someone you love is very important for our well being.
In fact many gay people are more likely not to show affection in public because of the negativity that it may bring. Sometimes when our son or daughter comes out they may change the way they dress or cut their hair and this may be a shock to you. They are just feeling free to be who they are now they have come out. This may look like flaunting but again it’s just being themselves.
Should We Tell Extended Family And Friends?
Coming out for a gay, lesbian or bisexual person can be very difficult and coming out for a parent can be very difficult also. Before you consider telling family or friends please ask your child’s permission. After all it is his or her life you will be discussing.
Often we are afraid to tell anyone for fear of rejection or negativity towards ourselves or our child. But you may be pleasantly surprised from the reaction. Some reactions have been, “ I already thought as much” or “ I already new” or “my uncle is gay” or “my work colleague is gay” or something along those lines. Of course no one can tell what reaction you are going to get but I have never had a major problem and neither have most other parents I personally know.
On a personal note, I wanted to tell people because my boys wanted to be open and not live a lie and neither did my husband and I. One of the ways I did it was if someone asked if they had girlfriends I just said “no but they have a boyfriend”. This generally went over quite well. I never told anyone in a sad or negative way. I was always positive. It was always done in a casual way and most people in our lives know and it is fine. By people knowing, my boys can share their life and their friends with the rest of our family and friends in a comfortable open way.
Will He Or She Be Ostracised, Have Trouble Keeping A Job, Or Even Be Physically Attacked?
Unfortunately I have to say yes this can happen to some people but not everybody and not all the time. There are some people that this happens to and some people it never happens to. Society has still got a long way to go but it is getting better. People in general are far more accepting of gay people.
Gay rights groups are working all the time to help to fight discrimination in schools and work places. They also have fought to change ridiculous laws against homosexuals and their rights.
There will always be nasty people out there regardless of our sexuality and sadly we can’t always be there to protect our love ones but please remember that the more people that stand up for their rights the better our lives will be. While we hide away nothing will change.
Will My Child Get Into Trouble With The Law?
Falling in love or being attracted to the same sex is not illegal. However, different countries and states have different laws. In Victoria, Australia the laws are
~ it is legal for couples of the same gender to show affection in public, just as it is legal for heterosexual couples to do so.
~ it is illegal to have sex in a public place, regardless of whether it is between a man and a woman, or between people of the same gender. In Victoria, the laws around under-age sex and age of consent are the same for both men and women, and for both heterosexual and gay sex.
~ under 10 – no-one is allowed to have sex with the child, even if they consent.
~ between 10 and 16 – a person is not allowed to have sex with the child if they are more than two years older, even with consent, unless they had reason to believe the child was over 16.
~ age 16 or 17 – a person is not allowed to have sex with a child of this age if they are under their care, supervision or authority, even with consent. Consent is only a defense if they believed the child was 18 or older at the time.
Will My Child Get AIDS?
Not if he or she practices safe sex by always using a condom and a water based lubricant and also does not share needles. HIV can be passed on to a baby through breast milk from a HIV positive mother. HIV is not a gay disease, everyone is at risk. All your children gay or straight, male or female should be educated in how to prevent being infected with HIV. Prevention is the best solution as there is no cure.
How Do They Know They Are Gay?
They just do, believe me. Let me ask you this. How did you know you were heterosexual? Ok, so society and religion leads us to believe this is the right way to be, but you just new. It felt right.
Some parents ask “how does he know he’s gay if he hasn’t had sex with a girl”? Well, I don’t know about you but I certainly new I was heterosexual without having to have sex with a female. I couldn’t even imagine having sex with a female. Nor could my husband have sex with a male. Nobody would even expect us to. Because to us we just know what gender we’re attracted to. This is no different for gay people. They know what is natural for them.
Will My Gay Son Become A Paedophile?
Who knows why someone becomes a paedophile. What we do know is it is not because they are gay. Paedophillia and other forms of child abuse mainly happen in the childs home environment and is most often perpetrated by a family member or close friend of the family. The majority of child abuse carried out is by people identifying as heterosexual.