I have added this page on gay family stories because when I first found out my sons were gay I felt alone and needed to talk to other parents in the same situation.
Sometimes when you just find out that a loved one is gay, you aren’t ready to speak to someone straight away. So I thought I would ask people for their stories so as you can read them with out confrontation. Eventually you will speak to others personally and it will be of great value to you.
But in the meantime here are some gay family stories for you to look at. I hope by reading these you will not feel alone and hopefully they will maybe answer some of your questions and help you come to terms with this new information. Everyone reacts differently but with time, education, patience, understanding and love you will learn to accept.
Life can get better if you let it.
Your children or loved ones are too important.
Living After too Many Years of Darkness
My story begins with a gratitude of thanks for your site in hopes that the many parents out there with questions will find your site and at least take the time to love there children the way they are.
As a child I always felt different in a way that I could never explain or know what it was until the day my family and I went to our new house that was being built. I was eleven years old at the time and when I saw a neighborhood boy, that became my best friend after moving in, I new that day that I had feelings towards the same sex. It was perfectly clear to me then that I was gay I really didn’t know why, but I felt the way my older brothers felt when they talked about girls or when my sister talked about boys. Time passed and I became frantically aware of myself looking at boys and feeling it was wrong created my own world to hide myself from everyone.
I wasn’t like anyone other boy I knew and developed a lot of depression and problems of anger that looking back at was very unhealthy and affected me until now at the age of 42 and finally coming to terms with my gender. I was kicked out of my house at the age of 17 not because of being gay but because of my anger issues and running away. I must say to help other parents is that I never got into any lawful trouble, never did drugs, and got A’s and B’s in school. It was because I was unhappy with myself and had absolutely know one to tell that I was gay. I moved in with a later friend of mine and his family and graduated from highschool and moved from Michigan to Georgia with them thinking I could run away from my problems.
I couldn’t get away from me and hated that it followed me where ever I went and decided to force myself to start dating girls. I have to say that in school I did have one girlfriend for a little while that never was much of anything because of me. At the age of 19 I met and dated a girl off and on for three and a half years and at the age of 23 we married and I felt as though I wasn’t going to be lonely anymore. The marriage for the most part of the first 10 years were normal, we had to children that I love dearly. Then it all came back, the feelings the memories and I slipped back into my dark little world of depression. Our marriage was failing, I tried to commit suicide and things just spiraled down hill and it is to where I am at now in life.
After 19 years of being married to my wife we are divorced, and I have come out of the closet and told everyone in my life that I am gay. It took me a full year of reading and seeing professionals to come to this point and try to do it without hurting anyone. If you are a parent please love your children for who they are and not what you want them to be. I say this because now I live with the guilt of marrying a women and taking a good part of her life to end up with so many bad feelings towards me and it’s not fair for her.
I will say that I am at peace with myself and truely happy, I have finally escaped my DARK WORLD. Most everyone has excepted that I am gay even my mother, when I told her she said she never knew but was happy that I am happy and responded to me by asking me if she now had her little Billy back in her life for good. I responded with a tearful yes, we have spent over a decade of our lives not talking to each other and I can say it was all a waste of precious time. I am truely blessed to have two teenage daughters who excepted me from the day I sat them down and told them and for all my family and friends that have to. I will continue to help my ex-wife if she asks me for help, but she no longer wants to talk to me and wants me completely out of her life and I am truely sorry for making her feel that way.
My final words are don’t make the mistake of not loving your children and making them miss out on life not even for a minute. The love they share is their love and they will be a better person in life if they can live it. Your reward is that you will never loose them and they will love you unconditionally as you love them unconditionally. Life is to short to miss out on happiness and the feelings of love and we all deserve to experience it in whatever way we were supposed to do so. I don’t want any child to ever feel or go through life the way I did, the future is so much brighter when you love yourself and who you are.
Sincerely from my heart, Billy
Hi, my name is Britnee and I’m 21 years old.
I live at home with my parents who are very old fashioned. I recently got fired from a job due to a decrease in staffing, they cut me. My parents blame me losing my job on the fact that I’m a “reckless dyke”. Despite the fact I’m no different than any other 21 year old. I come home at decent hours on work nights, I stay out on weekends, I don’t do drugs and to be honest I don’t drink a lot. I came out to them a year ago and since then everything in my life has literally gone astray.
I went from daddy’s girl to nothing, legitimately. I should start at the beginning. I hooked up with a girl when I was 15. She was my best friend and she is a lesbian and I had been attracted to her, so I thought why not? However, for the fact that it is NOT accepted in my family I denied the fact for years, until I was 19 and I couldn’t stand lying to myself and others anymore. So, I told a handful of my really close friends. They obviously accepted me. On my 20th birthday I met this girl in Boston, I fell in love with her.
If you knew me though, you’d know this is not like me to say. I don’t believe in love at first site or happy endings or any of that. But, this girl was… she left me speechless, she still does. Anyway, come to find out she goes to school 15 minutes from my house. We started talking and then a month later we started dating. It was perfect. About 6 months after we started dating I decided to tell my parents about her and me being gay. They lost it on me. That was one of the hardest times of my life. My mom cried, my dad didn’t talk to me for about 2 months, and Meg left me 2 days after I came out.
I dont know why I felt the need to email you this story, but the moral is that was 7 or 8 months ago now and my parents stilllll do not accept me and everyday that passes they treat me more and more like dirt. I’ve never felt so sad and loneyl in my life. I pretend to be strong but inside I’m dying and kind of wish I was on the outside. I wish I could say my story has a happy ending but if this is the ending then it is far from happy.
My Child is gay – Why Can’t I Stop Crying
My beautiful 23 year old daughter just told her Father and I she was gay three nights ago. She lives in another city and surprised us with a drop in visit. We love her to come home. This time, she asked us to sit down and handed us each a letter. “I didn’t trust myself to remember everything I wanted to say.” We are reading along…Third sentence. “I am gay”
We are a very close family with 4 children. 2 girls and 2 boys. One married daughter who lives very close to us, with a wonderful husband and 2 beautiful children. A grown son in a serious relationship, our daughter and our last child in college. Our brood loves to be together and relishes all opportunities to do so. Holidays, family trips, times at out cabin….I guess one thing that has rattled me is, where does a same sex relationship fit into this picture?
My child is in a monogamous relationship- she has straight friends and her gay friends and a busy, productive life. She is a Christian and attends church regularly. She and her partner’s (who I thought was her roomate until 3 days ago) home is welcoming and a gathering place for good food and great fellowship. They are not radically “gay”-it is just their lifestyle.. I was always worried that my child might never find the right “one” as she did not date in college……..that she would be alone. She is not and she is happy, even more so since she told us (I guess the last to know). So
#1. why can’t I stop crying?
As she talked to us, it was interesting, both her Father and I never even considered anything but acceptance and unconditional love….we have never judged other homosexuals, “Each to his own”. But somehow, when its my own…..it is breaking my heart.
My Best Friend Was Gay
Throughout middle school and high school I had a very good friend. He was a beautiful black man with the most beautiful eyes, you could see his soul in them. He was caring and funny, I loved being around him. I knew he was gay from 7th grade, but he didn’t. At least he wouldn’t tell anyone, most likely not even himself.
Throughout our lives we kept in touch less often. I got married and had a child, he joined the marines. I had another child, he got married. I had my third child and he moved to another city with his very beautiful wife. Finely we connected again when I went home to visit my dad, I called his mom to see how he was and surprised to find he moved back to Utah. It was as if only a day had passed instead of the years that had went by.
I loved Bryan, he was my best friend! We kept in contact almost every day and talked about everything under the sun. The one thing that bothered me most was when he talked of homosexuality being evil and perverse. I knew he couldn’t mean it because I knew that even though he was married to a beautiful women, he was gay. His mom was very religious, so were his brothers and sisters. His dad had died when he was a baby.
He called me one evening and we talked for hours about him committing suicide. I thought I talked him out of it, he promised me that he wouldn’t. His mom called and said that he left me a note, she asked me if I knew he was suicidal and I said yes. How naive I was back then, how young we were. He asked me throughout our conversation if I would please go to his funeral and make people happy again, because thats what I do. He said that I could make anyone smile. I thought I talked him out of his depression and I was wrong.
He killed himself the day after I talked to him. When I went to his funeral and met with his mother, she gave me his suicide letter. He said that he loved me, that he wished that he could be like me, not letting life get to him. Where I was able to glide through, he needed a map. He just couldn’t read the map very well, he was lost. Bryan was a gay man who had every right to live and be happy, he was 25 years old when he died.
My son is seventeen years old and he is beautiful! He could have any girl at the high school, they literally chase after him. He hasn’t paid them any mind. I have suspected that he is gay for a long time now, maybe two years but possibly longer. He is my sweeeeet sweet boy, my beautiful son. I have asked him in the past if he is gay and he has denied it. I have sat my husband down and told him in no uncertain terms, when our son realizes that he is gay we will NOT harm him by making him feel bad.
Yesterday I took my son out to lunch and point blank asked him if he is gay, he finely said yes. My husband is dealing with it as best as he can, so am I. Its a strange feeling to have what you have known for so long being spoken. I never wanted my children to be any less then what they are. I am Christian, live in a small rural community and I don’t care what anyone else thinks.
Christ died on the cross for every single person on the face of this planet. EVERY PERSON! To deny who you are is to deny your faith in life. My son is intelligent, intellectual, and shy. I love him so much and would never imagine him facing life alone. Even though I am an overbearing mom, I think he loves me too.
She Is In The Military
I was never the girlie girl. Always the thrill seeker. Played sports for as long as I can remember. I was a daddy’s girl growing up, we played football almost everyday and watched football EVERY SUNDAY & on Monday nights if our team was playing I got to stay up late & watch it with him.
My parents & I got along, but there was a period of time between the age of I’d say 15-18 where both my parents had, had enough of me. I was very disrespectful, rebellious, did whatever I wanted, skipped school, drank & partied all weekend long etc. I was pretty popular, one of those girls that got along with all “clicks” the jocks, the preps, rockers, stoners etc.
If there was party or function I was invited & always there. I was trying to find out who I was, where I belonged, why boys always liked me, but I always ended up becoming best friends with the prettiest girls in school & why I felt the need to be close & protect them. As a result, I cared more about my friends than my family. I have a little sister she’s 12 now & I’m now 23. She means the world to me. She looks up to me, she wants to do everything I think is cool & I’m scared.
Scared she’ll remember somehow how I was when I was a teenager. Scared she’ll fall off of the “perfect wagon” that she sits on today. Scared to tell her I’m a lesbian because maybe then she won’t wanna look up to me. She is an amazingly smart & beautiful girl, takes classes way more advanced then most of her peers, & is very respectful & loving towards my parents as well. Now I tell you this life snap-shot so that you can understand where I come from.
My Father was in the military for 23yrs & is now working a job that is well paid & that he seems to love even more then the military. My Mom is working part time at the military base nearby in the BX, just to keep from being bored. My Mom is Korean…. she doesn’t have the traditional hard-core Presbyterian Korean values. My Mom loves America. She speaks english with almost no accent, she gave up her Korean citizenship & became an American citizen when I was 9yrs old.
I remember watching her study in the kitchen, like she was studying for something she would die for. I grew up not going to church…ever. It was always told to me that if I ever wanted to go to church that they would take me & never make me feel bad about it or question my beliefs & support me in my decision to believe in God. (Would they have the same enthusiasm if I told them I was gay?) I went to a couple of churches with some friends but soon realized, this is not for me, this is not who I am. I’m an Atheist just like my parents.
So my family seems pretty normal, open-minded, relaxed. Then why did it take me until I was 22yrs old to tell my parents that I’m a lesbian? After I moved out of my house at 18 my parents & I used the time apart to strengthen our relationship, we are one big happy family now, but I struggled to tell my parents who I was. I wanted to join the military, but decided against it for two reasons.
I didn’t want to live a life of hiding because of it & because I met a girl. She’s in the military so unfortunately I must keep my identity & location to myself in writing this- for her sake. She is not just a girl she is the love of my life we’ve been “hiding” for over 4 years now. We live together, but because we are still young it still sounds ok for young girls to have roommates.
It’s just us & our dogs. (we call them our sons) if we could have children we’d already have them by now, if we could get married we would’ve in the first month we started dating. That fairy tale love thing that everyone says is just impossible…..we are that fairy tale. She’s a little older than me she’ll be 27 this year & its getting harder for her to explain to people that work around her why she still has a roommate & not a boyfriend or husband. As her trust built in some of her friends at work mine did to, I formed great friendships as did she with a lot of people she works with, & as time passed we began deciding together who we could tell about our relationship. This is VERY difficult for us.
Its like try-outs haha, do you think John will be okay with it? Do you think he’ll still love us? Do you think he’ll freak out and tell your commander and get you kicked out of the military? What would we do if something like that happened, can we hide it?, do we have any physical evidence around the house in case the military investigators decide to search the house? You cannot imagine the headache. I finally said well enough is enough one day I sat down with her and said “Baby we are in our 20’s we have a house, we have cars, jobs, dogs, we pay taxes, & neither of us have told our parents we love each other?”
So I went first, my Dad’s 48th birthday (it wasn’t a plan it was just time) we live in the same town as my parents & usually she comes with my to all family events my parents love her, but this time i went alone. I pulled my parents aside separately and told them I was in love with (we’ll call her Jane) my Dad said “kinda figured, I’m ok with it, I still love ya just the same, but I do want grandkids.” I assured him that we could still have kids, adoption probably when Jane got out of the military. My MOM oh God. When I told her I started to cry immediately, she never grew up seeing any gay people or talking about it even, she grew up in farmland Korea, there were no out gay people where she was so she hadn’t gotten educated about it at all.
She blamed it on my friends, she said it was a choice, she told me we would eventually move somewhere & someone would find out & commit hate crimes against us, she said she never really wanted to talk about it again. Meaning she was just gonna pretend like I never told her. Pretty harsh, could’ve been worse. I can’t get her to talk to me about it, I’ve tried, I push her a little I don’t hesitate to say “our” a lot in reference to anything “our house, our dogs, our cars” & she’s coming around she still treats Jane the same, never treated her different from the way she always did, guess I wish she’d start treating her more like a daughter in law but its cool.
Jane just got the nerve up to tell her parents like last week, they DO go to church & believe in God, but they’ve always treated me like one of the family, I was really nervous they’d change their minds and think that I turned their daughter into “a gay” but they reacted like I thought they would, like loving parents & they even told Jane that I was still always welcome in their home as long as there was no visible affection shown (I wouldn’t make out in front of my parents if I was straight anyways).
The only thing that stood between total acceptance was their faith, but I don’t in anyway resent them for believing in anything they wanna believe in because everyone has the right to be who they are. Her Mom was a little bit more impacted by the news then her Dad though he was affected as well. Her Dad was also in the military & reminds me a lot of my Dad in so many ways its scary even 🙂 so I suspected just as I did with my Dad that he already had an idea about who she was.
The truth shall set you free. It’s true we feel so much better that our families know & our close friends. Although we will never really be completely satisfied until one of two things happens, Jane gets out of the military or when gay men & women are allowed to serve in our U.S. armed forced openly. Frankly I’d prefer option B.
So to all you parents out their who are maybe worried about accepting your child because it compromises your faith, remember your child is more worried about hurting you then your religious beliefs or their faith even, so shouldn’t you give them the same treatment? And if you are reading this you’ve taken a huge step forward in understanding your son or daughter better. Therefore you are a good parent. Your child is not telling you that they went on a killing spree….they are telling you who they are & how they feel…..isn’t that what all parents want?
unfortunately anonymous- USA
Life Is A Struggle But I Am Moving On
I came across your website from the Central AR Group of PFLAG and i just started reading and started crying it was wonderful to actually see someone’s parents be so open and accepting….
My story is like many others. I knew that i was gay in the 6th grade but I didnt want to accept it or make it known even though all of my “friends” knew that i was gay. Well I put up with the verbal abuse and the gay bashing like most do.
I finally came out in my freshman year of school (9th grade) because of some twins that were in my Freshman english class. I’m glad they blasted me with the questions that they did. But it finally got to where i finally said YES IM QUEER and it got so quite in the classroom that a pin literally dropped and that was the only noise… Well it was all around the school by lunch and i dont regret a minute of my coming out… I just wish i would have been able to come out to my family sooner.
I came out to my friends October 1, 2004 and i finally came out to my parents Feb. 1, 2009 and my dad hit the roof and kicked me out of the house and my mom was distroyed because of it (she knew i was gay from birth because of the mothers feeling).
Its been hard and i have tried to kill myself several times because of not being able to cope and not having anyone to talk to but i finally came across my BEST FRIEND when i changed schools my Junior year and i havent tried to kill myself since.. It was hard for me to tell my parents and is still hard because my dad hates the fact that im gay and makes it known… But im back home living with my parents for now until i can move out on my own…
A Gay Story To Help Others
My son has suggested I write to you as he feels my story may help others so here goes.
I have 5 children , 2 girls and 3 boys. My eldest (girl) is 39 , my eldest son is 37 then comes my middle child (boy) 25 then girl 19 and son 17.
My middle son was always very different to my older son . He was not the typical rough and tumble boy but indeed had a go at growing plants and even tried knitting. he is not effeminate in any way and all the family would just say of his differences ” well thats just – – – – ”
Of course now that we know that he is gay we realise it was really quite obvious .
It is also quite obvious that if he hadnt been gay he might not have been the sensitive , caring and very loving son we have today.
one thing that always stays with me is that i could never believe that at 15 years old i would drop him off at school and he would always give me a big hug and kiss goodbye regardless of how many students were around ,yet with my other two sons they reached an age when that was just not cool.
My son only came out to me about 2 months ago and i can only describe that as a big turning point in our lives and a great sense of relief. this might seem like a strange statement so i will now explain why.
From the time my son left school which is 10 years ago his life just seemed to be heading on a downward path.
We had great hopes for him as he went to college to study to become a teacher but eventually he dropped out because to use his words he didnt fit in and hated it. he went on to get a job but did not make many friends ,never went out and used to sit in his room every evening plaing on the games console. of course there was always family members willing to join him but he just did not want to go out and socialise.
i then discovered that he had started to smoke cannabis and he was hardly eating , became very thin, didnt care what he looked like just living in old jeans and tee shirts he became very depressed and withdrawn and looked unhappy most of the time.
We all tried to talk to him to find out what we could do to help and we all became worried sick . my husband said it was as if he had lost the will to live .
Finally one evening he called me into his room saying he needed to talk to me . he was shaking from head to foot , almost hyperventilating then he burst into tears and as i hugged him he told me that what he had to say was the hardest thing he had had to do in his life.
In that split second i was imagining he had become a heroin addict. Owed someone thousands of pounds!!!! then he said ” mum i am gay”.
My response .right or wrong was “is that all, you dont need to cry about that, i thought you were going to tell me something awful”
He then poured out all his feelings and the hardest thing to take was when he said “mum ive been so lonely, i just want someone i can care about and be able to talk about my feelings without my family changing towards me.
The whole family have been unanimous in that all we want is for him to be happy.
I just wish he could have come out sooner. It makes me feel so sad to think of the turmoil and anguish he has been through on his own.
We cant help who we are and i feel life will be more of a challenge for him and he will need support and love from us all .
IFrom that day he has slowly become more confident, he is eating more , socialising more, starting to buy some new clothes and cutting down on the cannabis and best of all he is walking around with a smile on his face!!!
Out And Proud
My name is Chloé and I’m a 17yr old lesbian. I’ve read as many articles and news clippings and magazines possible to find out why I’m lesbian. I quickly came to the solution that there is no reason. I just am. I’m happy and very proud of my sexuality and I’ve been living a gay lifestyle since coming out 22 Feb 2006.
My ‘coming out’ was not very well planned or thought through but everything happens for a reason and i’m glad I did it when i did. I have been a tom-boy since I can remember and I never felt a connection or attraction to boys like most girls, but i was too afraid to be different so I continued dating boys to be like my friends. When i was 13 I and going through puberty I started seeing just how ‘different’ I really was. I battled with it for quite a while and I was too scared to tell anybody as I was Head Girl at my Primary School and my reputation seemed more important at the time. That soon changed.
My first year in high school i decided that i could no longer keep lying to my parents and keep living a ‘double life’. My mom and I started fighting on a daily basis and one night it was all too much. I finally told my mom and dad (now divorced) that i was lesbian. My dad took it well. Held me while i cried. But my mom rejected me in every way. I was deeply hurt. She was in denial and refused to accept that her ‘little’ girl was old enough to make that important decision and bold enough to speak about it. My 3 siblings took it hard. My older brother (now 25) refused to believe it yet my older sister (now 26) said she saw it coming. My younger sister (now 16) took it the hardest and battled to understand it. Now she loves my girlfriend(also 17) like another sister. It’s all about taking the time to listen and trying to understand where we are coming from. But they have.
Now, 3yrs later and after many failed relationships, my mom has accepted me. No grey areas in between. My girlfriend I celebrated our 6month anniversary on monday 13 july 09 and she came out and told her parents two days later (after much speculation on their side) that she is indeed lesbian and in a relationship with me. That is how I came across your site. Her parents are in shock and need as much information and support as they can get. So i read through everything on your website and referred my girlfriend to it.
We are proud to be gay. We are not ashamed of it and we really have no reason to be. This year at the Gay Pride parade we will wave our flag as high as we hold our heads and show everyone that we are no different to them and share the same need and desire of wanting to love and in return be loved.
I appreciate you taking the time to read my story.
Again. thank you for a wonderful website.
Stuck In The Middle
My coming out was both bad and good. When I was seven my parents had divorced, I spent most of my time living with my mother, even though they had joint custody. So I had to come out twice, to my mum and my dad. One was understanding, one wasn’t.
I’m 19 now and I came out to my folks when I was 14. The year before I came out was hard as I began to realise what I was. I became closed off and locked myself up within my bedroom every night, just lying on my bed and loosing myself in my dreams. For that was the only escape from my everyday world. My school life wasn’t good, bullied all the time yet never telling my folks. That was who I was. I was a lonely shadow in my school.
The night I came out to my mum, I had been throwing the decision around in my head for about a week. It was beginning to crush me so I worked up the courage. My mum was making the tea, the kitchen filled with the aromas of her cooking. This was a little comforting and I became just a little bit less nervous. My mum saw me stood in the doorway. she smiled at me and asked me what was up.
The concern that was in her voice just made me breakdown in a second I stood there shaking and crying.
She came over and wrapped her arms around me, asking what was wrong. All I could do was say sorry over and over again through floods of tears. My mum began to cry with me. Eventually I said it. I took a long deep breath and just blurted it out.
I felt my mum’s breathing catch and then she breathed out slowly. She then stepped back and looked at me. She asked if I was sure. I said yes. She then smiled at me and hugged me again saying that it was ok. When I had stopped crying she wiped away my tears and told me we would have a good long chat after tea. But first she wanted to know if I wanted gravy with my tea.
My mum was completely fine with everything, she listened as I told her about people I had crushes on and how I was worried about telling her. She just smiled and listened. At the end of our convocation she told me I had to tell my dad next. I figured that he would react in a similar way to my mum. I was wrong.
When it was the weekend I went down to see my dad. He came and picked me up and we had a fantastic weekend. On the ride back to my mums I told him. I wasn’t crying or anything, I just took a deep breath and told him. He nearly swerved off the road.
He stared at me furiously but calmly asked if I was messing or telling the truth. When I said it was the truth he stayed in silence all the way to my mums. I was beginning to get nervous. When we got into the house my dad looked at my mum. He’s gay? He yelled it at my mum. I ran to my room and cried into my pillow as I heard him yelling at my mum, saying she had brought me wrong and that she was to blame.
After that my dad barely spoke to me. If he did they were just a few words or grunts. One day I got sick of it and yelled at him, saying that he was being childish. In the end I ran out slamming the door behind me.
A couple of weeks later I was rushed to hospital with sever appendicitis. Apparently it was one of those cases where if they weren’t quick getting it out it would of gone bang. When I woke up in that hospital bed, the first thing I saw was my dad. I didn’t understand at first why he was there.
But my sister said that mum had practically dragged him to the hospital. She said when he saw me with all the tubes in me and the mask on he swore at himself for his stupidity and short-sightedness. He hadn’t left my bed since he had arrived. After I was let out we had a long talk. Now he’s fine with it, he says hi to my boyfriends, he comforts me when we break up and also offers relationship advice.
The only thing is, even though I know he loves me. But I feel he only accepts me being gay because he doesn’t have a choice. I’m not sure if it’s true or not, but I don’t really care, I’m just glad he still wants to be a part of my life.
It Is Hard Being A Lesbian
Hello. My name is Jessica. I’m currently 18 and a half (or a month or two more) and I was raised in a very homophobic family. My father is not only racists, but also sexist and homophic. He is also narcisistic, so there is no way to get him to believe anything we have to say. He is always right. My mother on the other hand doesn’t show her true feelings, understanding the importance of a semi-sane life. However, her opinion was very clear when I had asked her to read a book with me called ‘Straight parents, gay child’ (which surprisingly enough the book seems to have disapeared from my room) and she had responded ‘you’re not gay’ even though I had come out nearly four months before hand.
I was raised in a strangly homophobic existance. being in San Fransisco during the summer between my ninth and tenth year of schooling, I was afraid to look outside incase I would come upon two men kissing. However, once I had returned to school, i had begun to realize that ever since I was very young, I’ve always wanted to know what it was like to kiss a girl… i had always wondered about other women in a way that a boy would and it scared me. I had gone through three boyfriends between 7th grade and 11th and yet I never felt attracted to any of them in any way. Something was always missing.
My sophomore year we had watched a movie called ‘Elephant’ and even though I was suppossed to be focusing more on the school shooting in the end, I got side tracked by the shower scene when for the first time in my life I saw two boys kiss. I knew immediatly that that kind of love just seemed so much more passionate and I fell in love with the anime version of gay boys, called ‘Yaoi’. Throughout this time, i was also introduced to Yuri, however, my own fear of being bisexual frightened me. So I avoided it. However, during the summer between 10th and 11th grade, my friend Heather admitted that she liked me and I suddenly found myself urging to try it. Being with a woman was amazing… so much more passionate with a greater sense of understanding…. It just felt right
I’ve dated 3 men and 6 women and as of the beginning of my senior year, 2007 I have defined myself as a full out lesbian. It has almost been two years now and just over the recent summer I had decided to come out to my parents. Of course, it was a mistake. My mother no longer talks to me, my father is double playing (what I mean by this is that when he’s alone with me he asks about me and jakii(my current girlfriend whom with we share our 5th month anniversary today) <3<3<3 and says that he’s trying to understand but with my 3 year younger sister he will say stuff like ‘lesbian’s disgust me.
I feel like throwing up because of it’. It’s gotten so bad that he’s threatened my sister (who is a closet bisexual) and caused her a lot of fear). The only one I can talk to about this is my sister and my beloved. Other wise, i have no clue what others are saying behind my back.
Being a lesbian is one of the greatest hardships of my life whether it is because of my ex’s mom trying to sue me for being a lesbian with her daughter (it was tragic. Unfortunatly, the mad woman continued to harrass me at school, work and in my nightmares for an entire year) or if it’s my parents rejection of who i am… it’s so hard going on to see the next day when I know it’s all lies.. but I continue for the last two people who could ever love me for who I am… who I trully am.
To try and help others, I’m attempting to open a GSA in my town; there are too many GLBT students suffering…
Coming Out Is Not All Bad
I am a gay 20 year-old male. My family consists of my mother and father, my older sister, and my fraternal twin sister.
I pretty well always new I was different from early on. I was (and am) different for a lot of reasons actually, being gay was just another of those reasons. In elementary school and younger, I noticed how well I could get along with girls where other boys didn’t, and how my interests somewhat strayed from the masculine norms. At the time I thought of myself as a kind of bridge between boys and girls, like I was the “girl whisperer” of boys. Sexuality was beyond my comprehension, and no one made a fuss about it.
Middle school was the first time I started to feel any attractions to other boys. They were subtle attractions, but present. In fact, I didn’t think much of them, apart from having a subconscious need to change very discreetly for gym. I heard little in the line of homosexual slurring or bashing in school, at least that I can remember, so for me it just was as it was. At the same time I experimented with being ‘boyfriend-girlfriend’ with two of my friends, but in middle school this amounts to spending more time between class with each other. Needless to say these didn’t amount to much.
I do remember being bullied once or twice in these early years (I was introverted and a late bloomer – a good target), but finally I got angry enough to retaliate. One kick at a prankster boy and I was left alone. I do not condone this, but I did learn that many childhood bullies are actually quite insecure.
By high school I had a better idea of my feelings. I had noticed my attractions to other guys, such as how I would sometimes watch TV shows because of the good-looking male stars (in fact, one station had a variety show with an occasional male dance sequence that I watched regularly). There were guys in school that I considered beautiful, whereas girls were simply my friends, lovely but without attraction. I started to understand the concept of ‘gay’ and ‘homosexuality.’
I started exploring more, and eventually secretly stumbled onto a gay pornography site. I had two distinct reactions: I was repelled, for back then I had come to know blatantly sexual things (any such things, not just gay) as taboo, but I was also extremely fascinated and amazed. I remember shuddering intensely from these conflicting thoughts, of pleasure and resistance colliding. And actually, as time went on, I was far more guilty about the fact that I had engaged something sexual than the fact that I was gay. Though that guilt I eventually resolved.
I learned a number of other good and bad things in high school. On one hand, I learned that my longtime viola teacher and family friend was openly gay. This, and the overall open minds of my family and friends gave me some foundation.
But on the other hand, I started to understand prevailing views on homosexuality. I learned about “faggot” and “dyke” and while a part of me knew I would one day have to come out, I learned that it wasn’t safe, and that I had to keep that part of myself hidden. At one point I even referred to it in my journal as “the dark secret” as I couldn’t even bring myself to say/write it. I would always manage to find a date for things like dances, or go stag, when such was called for. I even tried dating a friend of mine, but there was no spark, and in the end we simply parted ways. I did my best to cover my trails and not raise suspicions.
My first year of college became my turning point. The burden of trying to hide or deny the subject was too much. I finally forced myself to come to terms with it, and after some work I managed to accept myself as a gay man.
I guess it was a combination of hormones and the taste of freedom, but I felt more and more compelled to finally come out to others. If I ever wanted to live my life well, I knew I had to do it. But I knew from the stories I’d read and heard, that I wanted to do it carefully with as many bases covered as possible. I took that year to do some research, find books, documentaries, websites and organizations just in case. I gathered what scraps of evidence I might need to back up my answers to the questions I suspected would follow.
I learned a lot, the most poignant probably being the magnitude of cruelty and prejudice that still exists in the world. This just hardened my resolve. Until then, it had been my journey alone, and I had shared it with no one. But I couldn’t do that any longer and I strategically decided to come out to either my aunt who lived nearby my college, or my viola instructor; both were likely to be accepting, and being somewhat separate from the core family could be safe havens if they did or safe dismissals if not.
My aunt was the first to respond and thus the first I came out to. It went well, and she became my cheerleader for coming out to my family. That first summer I called my twin sister to my room for “something I had to tell her.” I said “What would you say if I told you I was gay?” Her response, “I would say I knew already.” I was actually surprised, as I had never shared anything (I have never been very flamboyant or stereotypical either).
It was just something she had considered, nothing big. The next night I was talking with my Mom in the living room and decided to try and fit it into the conversation. When I asked, she replied, “Are you gay, honey?” I said, “yes,” and she just held my hand and smiled. We had a good long conversation, and she asked me the usual questions out of curiosity.
It felt good, almost anticlimactic. A week later, it took extra prodding for me to come out to my Dad. After five minutes of hesitation I finally asked the same question. His response “Well, I would say it had crossed my mind. It’s surprising, but I love you the same.” We talked again a few days later when he finally had his thoughts arranged. The same questions: “How do you know?” “How long?” etc, but again just curiosity. My older sister was last, simply because she had just married and was away more so that finding the time to speak was difficult, but again it went well.
Since then I’ve come out to most of my friends and family. They (and myself) all have different levels of development still to go through, but I’ve been more than lucky, for they’ve all been accepting of me. Even the few friends who do not agree with my being gay are still very kind and supportive of me. I’ve had my first boyfriend come and go, and I’m still working on sorting out the relationship arena. But for the time being I have been blessed with the luxury of my sexuality being a non-issue. It is as it is, like my eye-color or right-handedness; I am loved no more or less for it.
I realize that I am in fact incredibly lucky. I have heard and read about situations far worse than mine, that bring me to tears just thinking about. Many people suffer undue hardship over their or a family member’s sexuality, and I wish all the luck and love to all of them. I hope that one day everyone can have the luxury of sexuality being a non-issue, because really there are far more important issues in the world.
Family Verses Life As A Gay Male
I am a 21 year old gay male, have always known that I was gay never really had any attraction whatsoever to members of the opposite sex. Although i had been active since Junior High I did not come out to my family until Fall of 2005. Now my parents are considerably older then normal My mom is 77 and my dad is 84 (I was adopted by my mothers parents at the age of 5) and they were kinda mad but after a while got over it. But my siblings have never gotten over the fact, My Sister tried to force me to move out of my parents home because my family was all convinced that I had transmitted some sexual disease and that I would infect my parents by living in the same home. Was tested twice both times came out fine but they still are convinced there is something wrong with me.
Although I get tested every so often and I am perfectly fine. Also my family is a very strong LDS (Mormon) most of my siblings and my parents have had multiple church callings through the years devoted to their religion, I was also an active member of the church until I came out and had a couple confrontations and just got sick of it. But my siblings are always on my back frequently making cracks such as “Your going to go to hell unless you change your ways”, “you’re not gay no such thing, you just haven’t met the right girl”, “you need to be more butch or you’ll never get anywhere in this world”, “People don’t hire fagots you’ll struggle all of your life unless you straighten up” and other such derogatory comments.
And also at family gathering how my nieces and nephews etc.always bring their boyfriends/girlfriends, fiance/fiancee and it is perfectly fine great. But if I ever came with someone that I was interested in or even any of my family members met him I would never hear the end of it. Also just irritates me how my family members treat me so badly, yet always expect me to help out with my aging parents whenever one of them can’t come through with what they were supposed to do. Some friends of mine have frequently told me that I should just move out of the area and forget about them, and start my own life.
Which I agree with to a point but I love my parents dearly and want to be here to help them out. I just don’t understand, have had a few bad issues in the family due to infidelity, pre-marital affairs, etc. but eventually they blow over. But with me I haven’t done anything, I’m a good guy, self sufficient, frequently help out with my family. But they treat me like I am some low-life due to the fact that I am gay. I know or should I say hope things will change eventually but for now just not sure on what to do.
A Dramatic Tale
When I was a little boy going to elementary school, I have always been very expressive, and had a very powerful personaliy. Looking back, I feel that i’ve been just a tad bit diffrent from the other kids. I think it led to me feeling very lonly once 5th grade came rolling around. Growing up was just over those years was just acward. Every since kendergraden, I’ve always had an attraction for girls at my school. I was really obbsessed. I’d just be really crazy and sort of all in there faces, and just doing kiddy stuff. But I really had this intense attraction to them. Kinda wired for being so young right? But likeing(sp) girls that way just seemed normal to me. But during 5th grade, I noticed I did look at the males and found them to be attractive. I think apart of it has to do witht he sexual exprience I had with a boy in the 3rd grade. The event totally changed my life in a very negitive way.
I remember it like it was yesterday. The frist time I encounterd ever doing something sexual wtih the same sex was in the 3rd grade. It was just aukward and strange, and my friend kept pressuring me to kiss him. He even kinda convinced me I was gay. I honeslty don’t think that kids who are in the 3rd grade really have any sense of what sex or sexuality is, so I was very lost at everything that was going on. But I do have to admit that, making out with him was soo intense and pleasurable for me. Something about the moment I pressed my lips apon his just made something happen in me. The second time though felt more intesene. It was still making out, but it just felt right and I felt that I found someone who loved me and that everything was just right. You know words almost can’t even describe what happend.
Sadly, me and him never really kept a relationship of any kind. Even though I had an exprience with a guy in the 3rd grade, and I didn’t find boys attractive intill 5th grade, its still a very important event that happend in my life. I’m sure you readers are thinking well after the expreience shouldn’t I have immedialy had feelings for guys. The year after the exprience happend, my mind was really not thinking about what had happend. The only thing that was clear was that I had loved him the moment we frist kissed and that I desired to make out with him. I never looked at it as gay. I though it was “normal” I pretty much found out that a lot of peeps don’t consider it as normal when I went to middle school.
Middle schooll was the worst three years of my life. I learned a lot of things that I wish I had some sense of a little earlyer in my childhood. One thing that was clear was that, homosexuality was a big no no to everybody. I don’t know what it was but, I guess if u present yourself ina diffrent fashion then everyone else, your just considered “the gay kid” Even in middle school, I had no clue about sex, or sexuality, or anything sex related. (trust me health class was no help) I pretty much had to learn these things on my own. Some things were just to much for me to handle at that age, but I slowly became more open minded about it. Saldy none of my classmates say my veiws. I even tried to educate them about it. My school actully has a book about homosexuality and “It’s really descriptive. I showed some of my classmates who seemd to be the most homophobic, and they totally found the book very desgusting. One boy who I had a crush on said, “homosexuality is normal!!!?? What a load of shit”. It really tore me up inside.
8th grade though, was the hardest for me. My 8th grade class was really small, and everyone considered themselfs stright. Even my so called “best friend” turned on me and deserted me. She told me that she couldnt be seen with me, cause people think that were going out. I was kinda shocked though cause I mean If I’m “the gay kid” why would a silly rumor make you not wanna be seen with me? She apprently didn’t care for me, and just went on her way. With her out of my life, I feel into a deep deep depresstion. And what killed me more was having to hide my feelings of sorrow and pain. And having to deal with the rejection from everybody was just to overwelming for me. I remember sitting outside during lunch sometimes just crying my eyes out.
A teacher once told me that high school would be better. She deffenlty lied. Everyone was the same as from middle school. the only people who I found to be open minded was the teachers. But I did learn that not all teachers are that nice and supportive about it.
When I encountered Ms Reed, I was just blown away. I could not believe that a teacher could have such strong veiws about homosexuality and have the audacity to apporouch a student, on campus, and give a religous lecture about how she feels about gay peole. Honestly people like that are sad, and really have no life. I don’t see why very realogius people like that have to be all up in your face and tell you there views like you honestly give a crap what there thinking. I told my principel, but he did not react with any action against the teacher. I really could not do anything about the harrassment because I wasent out to my mom, and theres only so much you can do when you tell a school offcial whos not your principel. I told one of the social workers at school, she proposed having a converence with Ms. Reed. I agreed and so did she. But it was a disaster. I could not think of what I wannted to say to her, so it was soo quick that just felt really dumb after it happend.
Parents, if you have kids who are expriencing this type of thing at school, and you know whats going on, u really should take it up with the school borod or something. This kinda thing should not be in our schools. Because of Ms. Reed, I always have this feeling like, I should not exsit or something. Like theres no meaning for me living. Everyday gets a little more harder then yesterday. I’m just surprized I’m able to keep it together.
I’m 17 years old now, and I’m not entirly sure what my sexuality is. The only thing I know is that I’m attracted to boys and I find myself sort of attracted to females. But my stronger attraction is deffently to guys. It’s just hard to explain and maybe nobody will have the answers. But in any event, what matters is having some sort of support. Me I have absolutly none what so ever. I am practically alone. Theres no one on this earth so far that I feel I am one with or who can understand what I’m going through fully. And belive me it hurts.
A Young Gay Mans Journey
I’m seventeen, a senior about to graduate in two months.
I’m the eldest out of two kids, I have a younger sister.
I’m a phenomenal artist.
I’m wanting to go to college and get a degree in either art education or nursing.
I’m also gay, but that is not what defines me.
I guess I’ve always kind of known. I remember the age when boys start looking at girls and girls start looking at boys. I was the boy who watched the boys look at the girls. I didn’t understand it, but I just shrugged it off.
As I grew, I was the one always being pushed around and bullied. I talked funny, I acted different and all my friends were girls. Then came the word faggot. Automatically, it fit my description. I was harassed and school became my own personal nightmare.
I became bitter and hateful. I spent two and a half years, my seventh, eighth and half of my freshman year hating everything. I was severely depressed, and my grandparents, who I was staying with for four years, didn’t know how to deal with my problems. My parents were divorced, I was unhappy I had not come out, and my mom wasn’t calling or writing anymore. School was horrible, my grades slipping and I had driven all my close friends away.
My sister and I decided to move to a small town in Wyoming, to live with our father. I slowly became happier. I was in a new place, and I was going to start over a new life here. I was really happy for about a year and a half. However, there was still that secret part of me that it killed to keep hidden away. I knew that I should come out, else it would tear me apart.
It was in May, near Mother’s Day, when I found out my mother had passed away from a drug overdose. I was devistated. I went nearly catatonic for a week. I remember nothing but me, dealing with her death. I became depressed again. I became that hostile person I was a few years ago. I started to hate myself. I knew I wouldn’t ever get the chance to tell my mom anything. I knew she didn’t even know the real me.
I started cutting. I became a pill popper, taking about 12 to 14 tylenol or ibuprofen a day. I didn’t care, I knew it was downhill from there. My father, and my sister watched as I became this destructive, self-loathing person.
That went on for a while. I got the help I needed and I stopped the self-injury and the pills. I never really was happy, and I knew I wouldn’t be till I told someone.
My sister became pregnant. We grew distant. In a final attempt to reconnect with her, I planned a day trip to go see a movie with her, and to go shopping. I was going to tell her that I was gay. And I did, on the way up there. I ruined the whole day.
Since then, I have came out to everyone. My father knows, but is dealing with it. My grandparents know, and still accept me as their grandson, unchanged. My friends know, and love to have a gay best friend. My sister finally started to talk to me, and we’ve become really close again. She still loves me, and she she tells me everyday that she does.
That was two months before my senior year. I’m finally that happy person that I always dreamed of and loved. I’m many things, and now, I can finally say outloud, that I’m a gay man.
No More Love To Give
where do I begin,…”I took a deep breath before I began to type this,”
well,…I wasn’t born gay nor does anyone for that matter but when I was just a small boy and your constantly told you are than I realize that I was, “sorry, I’m crying as I type this, so if I’m missing any letters or misspelled any words, I apologize” I’ll be turning forty next year and I still haven’t told anyone, except you.
It’s hard to say your gay to a family who are deeply religious and are always saying mean things about gay people thou they know or they feel that I am, thinking since I never had any girlfriend but I never hang around with any guys too, up till now I’m still confuse about who I am. “crying”
you see when I was seven years old, my dad and my Uncle’s and my cousins, who are in their twenties were all sitting at the table, drinking, laughing the usual get together drunk on sunday thing and one of my Uncle called me and ask to join in and sing with them and till this day I still remember and I’ll never forget when that basterd father of mine said it in front of my Uncles and cousins that “I was a gay, nothing more then a fucking gay, he’s gay.” I tried to block it out that night but i couldn’t the look in his eyes when he said it, like he wanted to beat the shit out of me.
I wanted to kill myself that night but I was to much of a coward to do it, even my mom says it, “wow, thats some support, huh” so every gay word that came out of their mouth, I held it in even thou it was slowly killing me inside and like i said that young and constantly called your gay then I was one.
I tried to be tough like my other brothers, I started weight training and I kept myself busy and try to avoid my dad and my mom but if I do, I would get whip by a belt, extention cord or a stick, I have scars to prove it.
I would cry myself to sleep at night, or I would go for days and not eat but if I do that, well what do you know, again I get beaten for it. I tried to tell my parents, my brothers, my sisters how I feel but to them they think I was being to much of a girl that I should toughen myself up and if I tell some one they’ll laugh and go tell someone else. My self confidence is diminish and now I built this wall in front of me and I told myself never again will I share my feelings to anyone or be close to anyone and if they come too close that they begin to tell me how they feel, I push them away.
Over the years I’ve been asked out by both sexes and I turned them down, you see ever since I built that wall so high and so thick that I feel nothing towards anyone, like I have no emotions to show how I feel, if you say “I love you,” and I say “I love you,” back I feel nothing, like the word “LOVE” means nothing to me, hugging or kissing someone also means nothing to me. I so desperately want to feel to be loved or love but my heart is so cold not even the sun can warm it. I guess,…I’ll die alone with a cold heart and still not knowing how to love and be loved.
and when my father passed away, my mom, my brothers and sisters cried, I didn’t,… I had no more emotions left to give.
A Gay Boy From The Beginning
It all started as early as I could remember. Around age 5, I was greatly fascinated with my older sister’s dolls and toys. I even remember asking my mom to paint my fingers with nail polish, just like my sister. Oddly enough, my mom never thought of it as “weird” or “strange” for a boy to be interested in such feminine things.
Growing up in a strict, Catholic household wasn’t an easy feat; especially for a gay boy. Skipping past my molestation incident when I was 7 years old, my first instincts of not being a normal boy occurred around age 9. Yes, I was attending a small, private Catholic school with only 20 or so students per class. In the fourth grade, I always felt different, not tough or well-liked by the other kids. I can’t explain why I felt alien all the time, I just did.
It wasn’t until I turned 10, when I had my first experience with another boy. I became very close friends with a peer, Trevor, who was also seen as “different.” Our friendship grew so quickly, that we were like brothers by the middle of the school year. A very long story short, we ended up kissing each other one night (a sleep over). After that year, I knew something was terribly wrong with me.
Starting middle school, I finally entered a public school environment. It was completely different in all aspects, with the teachers, rules, peers, lunches, everything. All of this was entirely new to me; sometimes I was too overwhelmed. I didn’t have a lot of friends and I wasn’t popular, and I wasn’t cool or big. As a late bloomer, I fought day and night with my inner feelings.
Most of my friends were “growing up,” getting bigger, taller, developed like men should be. It felt like I was lagging far behind everyone else. Multiple times I was mocked and teased for being so small and weak. I was already really sensitive to begin with, so these negative comments only added fuel to the flames of my insecurities.
Trying to fade out the nightmares from my molestation back when I was 7, the 9th grade was well underway. All of my friends (who were boys mind you) kept talking about girls. How they wanted to hug them, kiss them and be with them. My jaw dropped with awe. I couldn’t fathom what they were saying. Be with girls? Kissing girls? Hugging them? That sounded so wrong to me, and so vile. Something I could NEVER picture myself doing.
It was then when my friends started behaving oddly around me, or at least in my eyes they were acting differently. In fact, it was I who was the different one around them. Sometimes, I called my friend and invited him over, only to have him tell me, he was going on a date with a girl. This would get me so angry, asking myself, “Why would he want to hang out with a girl instead of me?”
While fighting these wrong feelings, my mother kept pestering me to find a girlfriend, or kept asking me “Which girls are cute in school?” I cringed at the thought of “cute girls” but I realized what I felt was wrong so I simply told my mom, “I haven’t seen any yet.” Deep down I knew I was different, well, I figured different now. Being a late bloomer, I told myself this was a phase I needed to bypass, and once I finally reach true puberty and become a man, I will find girls attractive.
At age 14, I still looked like a child, sounded like a child and was built like a child. The teasing in high school was even worse, especially from the seniors. The tall, intimidating seniors would blatantly march up to me and ask my age. When I answered, they would openly laugh in my face (a quick leap into the future, I didn’t reach puberty till about 16).
I felt so insecure while walking through the hallways of that school. Everyone, boys or girls, were bigger than I, more mature-looking than I, smarter, normal. Almost all of my friends now were obviously into the opposite gender, whether it was dating, holding hands in the hallways or talking on the phone with. Here I was, alone, confused, still waiting to find girls attractive. Again, I was still utterly convinced it was a phase because I was such a late bloomer.
It wasn’t until I saw a boy named Justin. He was in my grade, and he was in the music/band programs with me. I usually saw him everyday, before first block, in the hallway, next to the library doors. Most days, I’d find myself purposely taking the long way to my class to walk by Justin, just to see him. My stomach would twirl into dozens of threads when I saw his bright blonde hair and shiny blue eyes.
There was something about him, something I could never explain to myself, something I desperately desired. I remember during band, Justin was a woodwind player and sat towards the front, and as a percussionist, I had the entire back area of the music room to move around. There were times where I purposely inched my chair around, sliding back and forth, just so I could see him. He was a very popular boy, especially in the band clique. So I tried convincing myself, “I like Justin so much because I want to be his friend. Yeah, I just want to be his friend, so I can be popular too.” For over a year this is what I solely believed.
As time went on in my early years of high school, I found myself WANTING to please the other boys in anyway I could. If a boy asked me for a pencil, I jumped to attention and quickly handed him my best one. If a girl asked me, I shrugged and said, “Sorry, this is my only one.” I know that was sexist at the time, but I honestly had no idea I was doing that. Whenever the teacher lectured on and on, I drifted away into a fantasy of me and Justin. It didn’t matter what I was daydreaming about, Justin was in every single one.
High school was a mess in almost all ways possible. I got IBS due to my depression of the thought of being gay. So I missed a lot of school and was in extreme amounts of pain. I didn’t try real hard at school work, therefore my grades dwindled. Whenever I saw a cute boy, my body would shake without control and I loved and hated myself for it. Due to my insecurities about this issue, I was probably seen as the “social weirdo.” Even in junior and senior year, a few boys teased me for reasons unknown (maybe they knew, or was it because I was openly sensitive?).
Anyway, I was consciously aware I was gay during senior year when my “girlfriend,” Amy, wanted to make out with me and have sex. We kissed on the lips a few times but it felt so odd and awkward. I felt nothing, no spark, nothing. Amy seemed to be enjoying it, but I wanted to leave. I don’t remember my excuse for not having sex with her that night; I think I told her, “I’m not ready.” She kept pushing me and pushing me to kiss or make out with her and I kept putting it off with the lamest excuses. I deeply hated myself for doing that to her, but I could never make out with her.
Our friendship died down when we went to college, going our “separate ways.” Even at 18, I was still overly sensitive about being gay, well the “possibility of being gay.” I first came out to my mom, solo, one day after school. I’ve been reading gay-help websites and stories about kids coming out and most of them were happy endings. So I prayed that my mom loved me enough to accept me. Well, things didn’t go so well.
She immediately went on a guilt trip, claiming it was her fault and that she failed as a parent. I was in tears and speechless after I told her those three words. She went on and on about how bad and vile being gay was. About how I’d get AIDS, live alone forever, never have a normal family, never have friends, be spat on and beaten, live in a secluded neighborhood, everything anti-gay, you name it. I went into complete system shock while she scolded me. Without thinking, I went “back in the closet” and assured her it was probably just a phase that I’ll get through.
The next day I was sent into therapy for social anxiety, when the real reason was to cure me. It took me a whole year to tell my therapist the true reason why I was there. Another long story short, I called my parents in with my therapist and “officially” came out to them. Let’s just say, my parents will NEVER accept it. They’re both die-hard, close-minded Catholics that believe what they see and what they want to see. Both of them still believe it’s a choice and that I chose to be gay to upset them. I assured them, it wasn’t my choice and that I tried literally everything to change that. That’s when my dad told me he would rather have me with cancer than be gay.
Afterwards, my parents claim they love me, but it doesn’t feel real to me. I’m basically NEVER allowed to mention it ever again, never bring home a partner and never behave or act like it. It’s almost like, I never told them I’m gay and I’m supposed to pretend I’m not. I’m pretty sure my parents went so far back into denial that my mom probably thinks I’m straight now. She keeps making, “What happened to you and Amy? You two would have had beautiful children,” remarks to me every now and then.
I went to meet a gay guy who works at a diner near my house and if my parents knew I was going there for THAT reason, they would most likely officially disown me or kick me out. He was a nice guy, but not really my type. He’s way out there and extremely flamboyant. I’m okay with that, but as an introverted gay guy, that’s not my style.
So here I am now, still struggling in school to achieve “my dreams.” Everyday feels messed up, more and more.
I don’t know if I’ll go crazy one day and scream it at my parents, or if I’ll kill myself, I don’t know. My real dream is to become a father, to raise a son, so I can love him unconditionally, without stereotyping him, teasing him, pushing him, criticizing him, making him something he’s not. It doesn’t matter whether I’m with another man, or single.
To parents, never treat your children like their trash or a sin. You should love them unconditionally, no matter their sexual preference. Who cares if they love differently than you do? They’re not hurting anyone, and if you truly believe they’re hurting you, then you need to desperately rethink your philosophy of life. Majority of people believe what they see, not what’s real. They carry what they’re beliefs are onto their children and almost force it upon them. People need to open their mind to what’s outside their cave of comfort and see the real world. It would create so much more empathy in people and resolve so many conflicts going on in this messed up world.
A Gay Boys Advice To Parents
Hello,My name’s Daniel
uuum don’t ask me how i ended up to your site it’s a long story..
i was very intrigued with this phrase:”I would love to hear from any of you, whether you are a parent, family member, friend, spouse or child. All your stories are important.”…I live in Bulgaria(Europe) with my mother,little brother and grandmother..My dad works in another town(thank god)….
My mum has a hard time because dad doesn’t send money and her job pays bad…and she doesn’t need more troubles with finding out….about me….anyways…she has enough problems with me and thats why i am concerned and have a “short fuse” with anybody and…in short i changed 4 schools in 1 season and my grades are very low…but you probably want a story…
Well i cannot tell you a masterpiece i can just tell you how the view of the world is through the eyes a 15 years old,teenage homosexual boy…well i’ll just get to the point…it is very hard..because not many boys share his…interests…and he is feeling alone and isolated…even with his parents support he is alone…he cannot tell other people even if he wants it very much because most people doesn’t understand difference and will probably make fun of him and even sometimes it gets to violence…
Any parent knowing of his son orientation should make his life be more comfortable…i mean…make him feel normal…not just saying “i understand you and etc.”…you should make him happy…maybe go out somewhere where he wants from a long time…or suggest camping with a neighbourhood family which has a son his age…he will be pleased trust me!
But no way,in no condition do not have a conversation with him about homosexual people..it will just upset him.It’s simple..homosexual people have more in touch with their emotional side…if you say “you are an idiot,i don’t know why i let you live here(or something from this sort)” he will be very upset although he doesn’t show it…he will probably lock up in his room and be devastated,sometimes even cry.
You see his interests until the age of 15 are simple…just to talk with another boy but to be most open…to tell his feelings and what are his desires and etc..when he reaches the age of 14-15 (puberty) of course he would want to have some physical contact with a person from the same sex…maybe a kiss or to touch his face,chest and some other body parts.of course of the age of 15-16 he will have some sexual desires but gay boys that age are too afraid to have intimate relations with another boy…on the ago of 16-17 he is more willing and can control his body and acts like a normal boy and you can hardly notice he is homosexual..on the age of 18 and above his only intimate wish is to have a night alone with a boy..what they will do is a secret(i’m not that old LOL)…
A homosexual boy accepts everything with ease,because he understants difference.mostly they feel miserable until they find their “buddy”.
Also you should look for their relationship with their brother/sister..just because they are gay doesn’t mean their relations should be TRASH…try to keep the warm 🙂 ..make family dinners or send them to both to do a “important job” or sent them to camping…their relations are very important because he is a child after all and he cannot share everything with elders…he needs someone his age that way he feels more…understood…well i have to go now training is calling..hope you read and reply…
PS:Sorry for the bad spelling and punctuation my formal language is Bulgarian…
Mom Coming To Terms With A Lesbian Daughter
Hi, I am the mother of a lesbian. I found out when my daughter was around 13 y/o. I found a letter between her and her girlfriend. I read it and it sounded like a boyfriend girlfriend letter. I didn’t confront her about it. I pretended I never found it. Then the other girls mother found out about the relationship and was furious. She called me. I acted like it was new news.
I had to discourage my daughter from seeing her girlfriend. Their relationship was also abusive. The girl would scream at my daughter on the phone. My daughter was cutting herself. I took her to a Psychologist and she was put on an antidepressant.
That was all a long time ago. My daughter is now almost 18. I had hopes that this was just a phase and that she would end up being heterosexual. The girlfriend ended up being heterosexual. My daughter is still on a antidepressant. I have told my daughter that I love her no matter what. I do wish this was not happening. I want her to have a normal life.
I do not condone her being gay but I do not treat her badly or am negative about it. She knows that if I could change things I would. We have a Christian home and my husband, not her father, is extremely religious. He doesn’t say anything to her about being gay. He does not approve though. I am not sure of my feelings.
If people are born gay which I am starting to believe then how can they be condemned for it. The religious stand point is that people may have gay desires but they need to not act on these desires and live a life of abstinence or become heterosexual. For me to think of my daughter being alone for the rest of her life kills me. I want her to be happy and have a loving long term relationship. So I struggle with all this.
My daughter is very bold. She got a rainbow tattoo. She puts rainbow stickers on her car. I wish she would not do this. I think it is better to keep this to herself and only tell those close to her.
I have only told a few people about this. Maybe I am ashamed. I don’t know. It just hurts a lot still. My daughter doesn’t seem to care who knows. I am starting counseling soon and hope to get help with all of this.
Maryann from USA
Two Sides To Life For Young Gay Man
Ever since I was a young boy, I knew I was different. I made a comment about another boy being beautiful and my sister told my parents. Although I was too young to understand why i got told off, I understood what I had said was not a good thing to say so I stopped communicating openly.
The rest of my childhood is lost in my mind somewhere, I don’t remember much about it now as for me there were no happy days out picnicing or summer evenings relaxing and being happy and at peace with my family.
Growing up was difficult to say the least, my family were and still are quite normal with their views and consider homosexuality to be “unnatural” and “disgusting”. I went to a catholic school which condemned homosexuality, but the religion was never mine so I was never concerned about some alien dogmas in my life.
At age 16 I started to really loathe myself, whilst everyone else was getting dates I was avoiding the girls I knew liked me so as to avoid comming up with excuses not to go out with them. I felt helpless and so alone. Due to having to hide myself from people from such a young age I had grown up avoiding people and so I was one of the ‘loners’ who observed everyone else and -who people i’m sure felt- had an air of mystery around them as they never left me alone.
At 17 I encountered openly gay fellow students, though none like me, they were flamboyant, loved the attention they got and spent the majority of their time belittling other peoples satorial choices in a transparent attempt to disguise their own insecurities. Meanwhile my sense of isolation and abandonment grew. I had very few friends and I took to starving myself as a means to implement some form of control back into my life and over myself.
At this stage in my life when people started noticing my weight dropping rapidly, I gave thoughts to comming out to my family, but it was no good. I knew how they would react, i had sat there and endured their conversations about how ‘queers’ were freaks and how it was a disease to be gay. Having to sit through that kind of barrage frequently damaged me alot and at the age of 18, feeling I had no one to turn to and no where to go, the pain finally was too much and I attempted to take my life.
Failing that, I ‘recovered’ though I would not tell the psychiatrist the real motivation behind the attempt. Since then I have gone on to study at university and live the other side of the country, in the UK away from my family. It’s not been easy, and it is far from easy now. When I go home I have to be a different person around them, I can’t be how I am with my friends around them and so I am constantly torn between two aspects of my personality. I am single and although I often feel loneliness, I don’t think I am quite ready to have a relationship in my life as I still have alot to work through and alot to accept about myself. It’s a pathway that could get the better of me, but until I tread it then I cannot know.
I hope that any parent out there in this world who reads this can stop and think about how their child might be feeling if they have just come out to you or if you suspect they are gay. I hope you realise your child could feel the way I do, could experience the isolation and emptiness I do. And I hope that you will realise how difficult their life will have been so far, growing up being different and knowing it. With this in mind I hope you tell them how much you love them, and that you hold them tight and show them that it is ok for them to be themselves.
I am 20 now, my family still don’t know and I am not sure I will ever tell them because I don’t think I could handle their confusion and hate on top of my own.
Don’t let your child end up feeling the same way I do.
Will Mother Ever Treat Lesbian Daughter With Respect?
My name is Jillian and I am 17 soon to be 18 on December 17th. When i was 9 or 10 I used to put pictures on my bulliten board of celebrity women, for some reason I had an attraction to them. Well when i was 16 I met this girl named Misty in my biology class, we talked for a little bit, and one day the teacher teamed us up for a DNA project. I invited her to my house to work on it. At that moment I knew I liked her, So from that point on we have been dating for the last 19 months now.
Once my mom found out a week after we started dating she called me every name in the book relating to being gay, she called me a Queer and that really offended me. Ever since then my mom reminds me every single day not missing one day at all, how much she really hates “us gay people”. I dont know when my mom will ever except me, but I really am getting tired of her always putting me down and making me cry.
She screams at me, and I just dont know what to do, because I just can’t stick up for myself at all. She is afraid to tell all of my other family members afraid of what they would think of “her”. It is always about my mom. So basically I have to live 2 lives. One to where I have to be “straight” around all my other family members, then the other to where i can just be myself, but I can never do anything right in my moms eyes, she is ashamed of me and “my choices”. she thinks being gay is a choice.
Please help me. Please.
Never Thought She Was Gay
Never thought she was gay! She was always a tomboy; played soccer, basketball, volleyball, softball, powder puff football and even wrestled on girls team her senior year. She is about 5’6″, weighing out at about 120 lbs. She was blond and dressed like a girl unless she had her sports clothing on.She had several boyfriends but remained a virgin. She had friends that she hung out with constantly. (of which none are gay to this day) Now she is at college. The first year her appearance began to change. She began dying her hair strange colors, cutting her hair shorter and shorter, wearing masculine clothing (no longer the tight fitting jeans or pink shirts), got several piercings and wants more tatooos.
The thought that she was gay still never crossed my mind. Her roommate-best friend was extremely pretty and feminine. They roomed together for 4 years.I actually walked in on them with their arms around one another. Had an uncomfortable moment. Still it never crossed my mind. Then my two sons (I have six kids) said that they had been getting questioned by “people that knew her” about whether or not she is gay. My oldest son is cruel and hateful and had words with her about it, proceeding to call her a dyke. She claimed that it hurt her feelings. She called me from school crying one day that someone thought she was a guy. I told her not to dress like one then (she also carries herself in a masculine manner) So I still never even thought it because I was thinking that the above wouldn’t bother her if she were.
She would go out of her way to bring up old boyfriends and comment frequently about good looking movie stars. So, I never really had any reason to think she was gay. Am I homophobic? I didn’t think so until my daughter told me she was gay. I have gay friends, LOVE the L Word, have even experimented in the swinger life style (sleeping with other women). So I would say I’m not. But in all actuality I am, in regards to my own daughter. When she finally admitted it to me I remember going through all the normal feelings. Was it my fault? Is it hereditary? What will people think? Why me? Why my daughter? Why my perfect, beautiful, smart, successful daughter? The saddest thing I thought though was “Thank God it’s my daughter and not one of my sons!!!!”
Yes, I do feel uncomfortable talking to her about her relationships, mostly because I’m not sure what to say, but she really doesn’t tell me much because she “doesn’t want to disappoint me.” Does she disappoint me? NO!!! Am I uncomfortable with her being gay? Not really! What I am uncomfortable with is this. WHY does she have to dress like a guy? That bothers me more than anything. Myself and my other three daughters are all extremely feminine so this part of her really offends me. I’m only 44. I am not unaware. Even my doctor is a lesbian. Who also looks like a man. I watch the L Word and marvel at how beautiful, even the most masculine of the women, still look feminine.
If I could get past this I would definitely be a more supportive parent to her. She called me yesterday. She has panic attacks now. Never had them before. I’m worried about her health (she has a pacemaker). I told her to come home so that I could take care of her (I am really close with all my kids or I used to think so) but she said she never could because I wouldn’t like who she is and that she is a huge dyke. I didn’t even know what to say other than that I loved her and would no matter what. I feel lost, not only from myself but for her. She doesn’t seem to be comfortable in her own skin.
The Journey Of A 14 Year Old
I never knew in my life i would actually come out gay, I always thought I’d be straight, becuase when I was in primary school, I had a girlfriend, and we use to joke and talk about our future together, when I left school, I never saw her as much, because we both went to different comprehensive schools.
In my 1st year of comprehensive, I still had no intention of being gay, in mid-may of 2004, I mett a girl on msn, not far from me, and i found her really lovely, she was such a good friend to me.
A couple of weeks later, we were messing around chatting, and I went on the net. and i typed in “sex” and found this picture of a man and woman doing intercourse, and then I dont know what happend to me, i suddenly typed in “gay” and from that very moment when i saw all the images, I was obsessed, I don’t know what made me type in gay, and what got me so addicted to it. So then whenever my parents wern’t around, i use to go on the pc, and go on porn websites, and look up pictures of men, and print them out, I then put them in a folder in my room and hid it in my room.
I was in my room one night listening to music as I normally would, and my mum called me down, and she noticed there were porn websites recalled on the history, i said “they were juss pop ups and they linked me to that website” she got curious, and then took no intention to it. A couple of weeks later, I was on the phone to my “girlfriend” and my mum screamed up to me to come downstairs, she found out I had been on the porn websites again, and she gave me a final warning. After a while, my mum found the folder where i saved all the pictures of the gay men i printed off, but she never told me she did, I went in her bedroom one day, and i found the folder in the bottom of her wardrobe, and i took it back out, and put it back in my room.
A few months later, my mum came and spoke to me, with some pictures she must of kept from the folder. and when she sat me down, i burst into tears, and she comfeted me, and said “i’ll never have a problem with you being gay, you’ve jsut gotta face the stick you’ll get in later life, and about the AIDS side of gay”.. I then told her how it all started, because i use to have feelings for a boy in my school, and i really liked him, because when my grandfather passed away earlier that year, he helped me alot. I never showed him I fancied him, but I had to hide it from him for 8 months, I told him 1 night on msn, and he was shocked, but Ok with it, because I didn’t fancie him anymore, that next week in school, things went down hill, I regretted it so much, we never spoke, if we did, it was always “hi” not the way we normally would. I use to come home crying, becuase i lost out on a best friend, but 4 months later, i talked to him, and showed every little bit of my sympathy, and apologised all i could, and he understood, and from that moment, we got on like nothing had happend, and that’s the way it is now, we get on like brothers. and we put that mistake in the past, and we dont look back onit.
But throughout my life since then, I knew deep down i was going to be gay, because i still use to go on the gay websites, i tried everything I could to get it off my mind, and avoid being gay, because i knew what i would have to face in life.
in october 2006, I done a show in the theatre in the town i lived in. and i mett this boy there, who i reeally liked, i found him really good looking and lovley, and to be kind, i asked for his msn, for us still to be in contact. i got home from the show, and went on msn, and i added him, he came onto me and said “heya babes alright” i flicked in my mind and replied “???? you just called me babes” and he goes “thats becuase im gay” and i turned and said to him “so am I”, and we talked about how we faced it, and then i asked him out, and we did, the next day we went to town and on the beach, and i was nervous about wa 2do, so i sat close 2 him and kissed him, it felt so right, and from that moment i knew there was no turnning back for me.
I then had to come out to my friends, i came out to about 5, and they were all happy for me, and they kept my secret hidden, becuase they were friends i could trust. I went to school, and rumours had been spread that i came out, and then i had a huge gang around me, asking was i, and i admitted, everyone was shocked, and all i had were questions, i felt uncomfortable, cuz i knew everything was hitting at me now. I use to get so much stick at school, but happily now its all stopped. I only get the odd jerk now and then, but thats the way life is.
Coming out to my parents was hard, I wrote a 4 and a half paged letter explaining 2 my mum i was, she red it and she understood and said from the moment i went on the gay websites, she knew i was gay but didnt want to offend me during the time, maybe i was going through a fase “was i?” and trying to figure it out, and didnt want to make me feel uncomfortable, which i was ok with, because that’s fair. She understood and she’s ok with it, my dad, i feel he’s against it, because whenever he mentions someone gay (a celebrity) he doesn’t say “gay” he sais “bent, the other way” or “queer” and it makes me feel uncomfortable, like he’s homophobic, if he is, he can just tell me, i’m no offenced, he talks to me, like we normally do, but i feel deep down he is, maybe its just a shock im gay its hit him, but if he has any queires, tell me, cuz i need to know.
I told my nan and she broke her heart, and she’s obsessed with me now, shes 83 nearly, and she loves me, whenever i’m over her house we’re talking about it, how she thinks of it, and how i came out, and how i knew i was gay. i feel comfortable cuz my nan listens. i’d rather tell my nan things than my parents, cuz my parents get into deep conclusions, and questions, it makes me feel uncomfortable, and it just gets deeper and deeper, it doesnt come to a solution, its all questions, which i can’t stand. i havn’t told anyone else in my family yet, except my mam, dad, sister, nan, cousion & auntie.
3 weeks later, we argued, because he dumped me without myself knowing, and i got really upset, because i loved him so much, but i got over him, and i went on many chat room websites, and i came close to loads of gays, i know about 400 initanly. and i’m really close to about 30 gays.
I feel so safe talking to gays, and i have a laugh, i only trust the ones who i can see via webcam, and can see profiles and know their actual life. I’m okay with things now, i have a right laughwith the boys i talk to, they’re all amazing, they’re such fantastic people, i’ve met quite a few and they’re lk my brothers, i love them all :), i’ve got a boyfrend and he’s amazing, but i couldn’t live without all the gay mates i know 🙂 but most of all, without the support of my close friends, who i wont name, but they know who they are :).
I hope you find my story okay, but sorry that its long
if anybody wants to chat to me about anything.
I maybe 14, but I’m not the immature type person,
I’m confident inmyself, anyone can talk to me about anything
i’m always here: firstname.lastname@example.org
Best wishes, daniel johnston x
I Think My Son Is Gay
Since my now-16-year-old son was three years old, my husband and I suspected that he might be gay. He became absolutely obsessed with Barbie dolls and his closest friends from age two have been girls. He does not behave in a feminine way, however, and has always had a lot of friends of both sexes and been very popular, so we hoped our suspicions were wrong. He had one sort-of girlfriend last year and seemed very drawn to her, but when they broke up, he complained that “all she wanted to do was make out” and that he wanted something deeper. That set off alarms for me. After all, what teenage boy doesn’t thank his lucky stars when a beautiful girl wants to make out with him? Another lovely girl has shown interest in him and he may have kissed her, but he seems to hold her at arms’ length. He has been extremely evasive when I try to talk to him about his romantic life and considers it an invasion of his privacy, but I think he is simply uncomfortable with his sexuality and afraid to talk about it.
Our son has become much more secretive, angry and withdrawn the past few years. When we try to talk to him, he says he “hates himself and the world” and blames his attitude on academic pressure (his older — and straight — brother is away at a prestigious college and our younger son feels that he has to “measure up”). We constantly try to assure him that he is “good enough” but he doesn’t seem to hear us or want to talk to us. The way in which he has removed himself from us emotionally breaks my heart.
Yesterday I discovered evidence that he is having at least a “chat” gay relationship with a classmate. I was shocked by what I read and haven’t been able to eat or sleep. I haven’t been able to tell my husband, I guess because then it would be “real”. I think our son may somehow compartmentalize his homosexuality and may be in denial about it.
As other moms have mentioned, I feel somehow “responsible” for this. I had a miscarriage just a month before this son was conceived and I worry that somehow there was a hormonal imbalance as a result that affected his orientation. Is that crazy? I read that younger brothers in families with several boys are more at risk to be gay which makes me wonder if something happens hormonally in vitro to cause it. I also worry that others will blame me and my husband for this, even though we have absolutely dedicated our lives to our children. We always said, based on this son’s play with dolls that “if he turned out to be gay we would know he was born that way”. But now I just feel that I have failed my son and my family.
I want so much to talk to him about safe sex (as if there really is such a thing) and to give him a chance to unburden this secret that is torturing him, but my intuition tells me I must wait until HE is ready. But how do I make sure he doesn’t contract AIDS or another STD while he is finding his way? How do I get rid of this sick feeling in my stomach? How do I come to terms with the difficulties that lie ahead for him and for our family? How do I let go of the picture in my mind of my sons with wives and children someday gathered at our home for holidays? How do I get the courage –when the time comes — to tell friends and family and to withstand the harsh judgment of those who won’t understand?
My husband has two gay relatives, both of whom became estranged from their families, apparently due to their orientation. I am so fearful that we will lose our boy, and yet at the same time, I don’t know how I will ever be able to feel right about this. It is encouraging to read people’s comments that they manage to be a happy and loving family after a child comes “out”, but I wonder if that can ever be the case for us. As I lay awake last night, I wondered if we will have to pick up and move away from our community to escape the gossip and judgment that will surely be aimed at us when he does come out. Part of me longs to be able to hold him in my arms and tell him how much I love him, and another part of me just wants to run away. I don’t think I have ever been this sad and terrified in my life.
My Life With Two Lesbian Daughters
While doing some research today through the search engines on homosexuality, I was fortunate enough to bring up your website. Your story brought back memories of what it was like 24 years ago to learn our daughter, the second child, was gay. It was devastating! I felt her life was doomed forever! She would live this lonely life and always have to struggle with friends, family, society accepting her lifestyle. Not only did we have her to worry about, but we also discovered our second daughter, third child, was gay, so it was a double whammy! I spent hours at the library reading about homosexuality and of course back then the resources were not like they are today, so it was extremely hard understanding everything and getting the help we needed. We were afraid to tell the Grandparents and afraid to tell our friends. It was a feeling of helplessness and lonliness. It was almost like a death in the family, but somehow we learned to accept and love them for who they were.
Our daughters went on to college and are doing wonderful. They both have great careers and wonderful partners and many wonderful friends. Our oldest daughter and her partner had a commitment ceremony this summer and my second daughter was there with her partner of 15 years with their 3 adopted children from Vietman. While sitting through the ceremony, the thought occured to me that if I would have not accepted these two daughters, the one who would be the most lonely today, would be me! They have enriched my life in so many ways.
Homosexuality is not unnatural since it exists in nature. It is just as natural for one person to be hetersexual as it is for another to be homosexual. I’ve met some of the most wonderful people through my daughters. They are beautiful, tender, considerate, loyal, other centered and profound. I’m proud to be the Mom to these beautiful daughters.
Your website will be most helpful to families who are struggling as it is most challenging. Good luck to you in your endeavors!
Hello my name is Jason, I’m 16 and I’m from the U.K. I want to share my story with other people, hopefully making parents and other people understand how coming out sometimes hurts and causes even more confusion to what a teenager has when coming out to them selves before family. You don’t know why you like other boys and can’t understand how the other boys take a liking to girls. It’s frightening coming out to yourself, especially at 14 when I realised I was gay. I thought it was a phase at first and thought it would pass. But my feelings for other guys got stronger and confused me, I didn’t have a clue what to do with myself.
I convinced myself that everyone would hate me and that my father would disown me so I decided to keep it a secret from my parents until I was ready. I suddenly whispered into my freinds ear “I’m bisexual” (knowing inside I was actually gay) I didn’t think it would be ‘as bad’ if they thought part of me was still attracted to girls. After about 2 days the whole school knew and I even had teachers asking me questions. I suddenly went quiet and lost all my confidence, which is very strange for a flamboyant exiting stage performing lunatic like me, he he. I was frightened to look at other guys in school incase they thought I fancied them. Comments were made and I cried and didn’t know what to do.
After a while a friend of mine the year above me at school (also gay) suggested a LGBT youth group near where I lived and at first I was reluctant to go. I finally decided to go and sit in the corner for a while,until I started talking to people in the same situation as me. Suddenly my confidence flew back out and people at the gay group didn’t recognise my personality. I suddenly felt better and had the confidence to tell the whole school I was ‘the full way’ and I don’t feel any attraction to girls. The bullying then started and I went through a year and a half of school frightened of the other students. I was pushed around and called names until one day I snapped and hit someone. It died down for a few days but then it started all over again. It hurts inside.
It came to about 6 months of me being out at school and I decided to tell my family, I summoned my sister to my bedroom who was 13 at the time and told her. She laughed at me and called me a lier so I just told her to go and get my mother, who came running up the stairs thinking something was wrong. I suddenly said it ” Mum I’m gay”. She also laughed like my sister. I was so close to my mother and I could tell her everything, when she laughed I cried myself to sleep and I haven’t been able to tell her some of the personal information I used to tell her, I felt like the bond between us was severed and I only had Samantha to talk to. (My best friend) Eventually my mother believed me and kept trying to convince me and herself that it was a phase. She had been suffering from panic attacks and stress and this only made it worse.
Not because she had a gay son, because she was scared of what I would go through and the pain I’m still feeling to this day. My father seemed to be less bothered than my mother, he didn’t care and told me he wouldn’t treat me any differently. I eventually had to lie to my parents and tell them it was a phase to relive the stress from my mother who was getting quite ill.
I found myself a boyfriend who turned out to be quite nasty in the end, but he supported me for a while for all the homophobic bullying I endured. It got to the stage in my last year at school and I just turned 16, I started to cut my arms, it kind of relieved the pain I was going through in my head and I’m still doing it now even though I have left school because the sudden change in my life left me feeling scared ,now 50% of the bullying has gone away I don’t know what to do, I’m so used to the hell I got at school and with it suddenly dissapearing it’s messed me up again.
I still can’t come out to my mother and father again as I don’t feel I have the courage to go through the stress again. I can’t help being gay and I wish people would understand this! If you are a parent and your children are gay please make sure that they know you are there for them because it hurts knowing that their parents can’t accept it like my mother getting ill. Love your children, you cannot change them and
it’s their own life.
A Letter To My Gay Son.
Being your mother has been an exquisite joy and a delight, well, for 99% of the time – as has being the mother of your siblings, but you, my son were somebody different.
I remember that even as a very small child we described you as being the one who marched to the tune of the different drum.
From the time of your premature birth, you were the impatient one, the one who needed everything – from nappy changing to bottle feeding – to be given immediate attention.
So, I suppose because you were such a tiny demanding little scrap of humanity, I attended to your every needs, and I suppose that created a very strong bond between us.
I remember such beautiful moments in your childhood, and all the little milestones which are woven into the tapestry of our family experience, the little grace notes which have given color and beauty to our lives.
I remember you as alittle boy playing on the beach at Port Arlington, making sandcastles and wearing, as all sun safety aware children should, a rather large sun hat…but with a difference.
Whilst for the other little kids on the beach, toweling hats were de rigeur you shunned the terry toweling hat for a large coolie type straw hat from the pointed crown of which bobbed a purple butterfly.
I have memories of you playing dress ups in dolly corner at kindergarten, hosting little tea parties whilst your twin brother Fergus swung from the monkey bars.
You were the one whose work was embellished with ornate “extras”, who fashioned the most spectacular “Easter bonnets” and who always gave an extra present for a special occasion.
Of course, we are a very normal family, what ever the definition of normal family might be, and we had our fights and arguments, and yelling sessions followed by slamming of doors, and the accusation that I was a pretty horrible sort of mother who never did nor ever would understand whatever it was that was the center of the disagreement.
Your face would be very red and contorted with anger,and with a stamping of the foot you would yell at me that “It’s just not fair” on the occasions when you did not get your way. And in your eyes no body had a mother as mean and rotten as I was.
During your adolescence you became rather withdrawn, and would lock yourself away in your bedroom after you had returned home from school, the only indication of your presence being songs of Kylie Minogue emanating from your bedroom at about 400,000 decibels.
You did your homework, ate your dinner, and spent hours on the phone with your friend Steven. I was so worried about you. Fergus seemed to have an abundance of friends, whilst for you, Steven seemed to be the only friend you had made, and he was a very solitary introverted boy.. precisely the kind of person I saw you becoming.
And you never participated in the social activities of your school whilst with Fergus I almost needed to make an appointment to see him such was the extent of his extra curricular activities.
All of these were among the images which I had on the October evening in 1992, when you felt that you could no longer hide your different sexuality from us.
That night is deeply etched in my mind,so deeply engraved that if I close my eyes now, I can see the events unfolding with such clarity, the whole experience is uncanny.
I see you crying, I see you hugging yourself coiled into an almost foetal position, your father discarding his newspaper to hug you, and I…well you never imagine how deeply inadequate I felt.
I know that I was crying, I know that I felt the release of many butterflies in my stomach, I know that I felt an almost overwhelming sense of relief that my suspicions were confirmed, and that I had answers for the many questions which had been plaguing me for a long, long time.
It was my sense of bewilderment and inadequacy that I found to be the most difficult with which to deal.
I was the Mother, the one who always had the answers to your questions, the one to whom you had turned when you were sick or in pain, the one who had always “Kissed it better”, a teacher if you like, a nurturer.
And I had failed you – for you had to battle all the hostilities vented against you during your school days all by yourself with no family support, and I found that very hard to accept.
But basically, I who should have known so much actually knew very little about being gay, and the little which I did know was a mish mash of myths and stereotypes and misconceptions.
But I had many wonderful and happy memories to sustain me when times became just a little bleak, and for the times when I was repeating like a mantra “I’ll wake up and this will all be a dream”
In many ways, I found that my life as a mother had not prepared me for this new knowledge, and I knew that the situation needed to be rectified.
I suppose, like most parents of my particular generation and religious background, I assumed that your lives would pretty much replicate your father’s and mine.
I certainly never thought a great deal about differing sexual orientations, nor did it ever occur to me that none of us sets out to design our sexuality, we simply are who we are. And now I realize that is a wonderful and very beautiful thing.
I think that in many ways our positions became reversed after your coming out. I took all my questions to you, and not only did you provide me with answers, but you gave me books to read and most importantly you introduced me to your friends.
For these things I thank you from the bottom of my heart. Actually, there is much for which to thank you.
For your honesty and your trust in us, your family, I am truly grateful.
For leading me to PFLAG, well that has been a life changing experience. Even the insignificant little pieces of knowledge, eg not all gay men are to be found in the performing arts, or hairdressing salons or florist shops, have added to my improvement growth.
Your coming out was the beginning of a different phase in both our lives, we became very open and I suppose unafraid with each other.
Although I have to admit in the early days my questions were far too intrusive and impertinent, and you very smartly put me back in my place. And that was exactly as things should have been.
In my work with PFLAG I have heard so many times the confusion of parents who mistake sexual identity and sexual activity.
You have heard me say on so many occasions, that my very favorite quotation is one by an American mother who stated that her gay son “took her by the hand and became a bridge to that place where her sensibilities were enlarged”.
That, my dear, has been my experience too, although I must add also, that not only have my sensibilities been enlarged, but my spirit has been uplifted by the many magnificent gay men and lesbians whom I would never have been privileged to know if you had not “come out” to us.
Through moving around in the gay and lesbian community I have met many of the people who would fit Armistead Maupin’s description as people of “passion and kindness and sensitivity…who have provided a constant source of strength” and by the way I think that you could add to that list dignity and courage.
And after all these years I have to agree with you that “it isn’t fair!” completely unfair that people like yourself, fine good people must face discrimination from people who do not know you and to whom you have done no harm, from religious leaders who preach a gospel of love, but who practice something entirely different, from politicians who rely on your taxes and contributions for the running of this country and who refuse to give legal status to long term same sex relationships; from people who call you sick and disgusting and who condemn you for persuing your so called lifestyle, who insist that this lifestyle should be lived out in complete silence and virtual invisibility..
It’s now my turn to get a bit red in the face, stamp my foot and yell IT SIMPLY IS NOT FAIR.
But now you have met your soul mate, the some one special to whom you have chosen to publicly commit your life.
In the rings which you and Tim exchanged is an engraving which states the way in which your lives are now complete because of the love which you share.
You are happy in the way I have always hoped and dreamed you would be, there is a serenity in your life, that I, ever the romantic, believe comes from loving and being loved in return, and because of this happiness in your life I, too, am happy, contented and complete.
With all my love to you and to my new son, Tim
Your mother, Nanette R. McGregor. Australia
Hello – I, along w/my husband have 3 wonderful children. Our son (32) is gay, our daughter (27) is a lesbian and our youngest daughter (26) is straight (married). It was very difficult for my husband and I to accept our son being gay when he first came out to us at the age of 17. As you can imagine, we were devestated. This could not be happening to us. Yes, we asked ourself the endless questions…why us?, what did we do wrong? is it our fault? were we to strict or not strict enough? why, God? etc. All in all, we had a very difficult time coming to terms with this announcement.
Looking back, my husband and I can now laugh when we think of how we handled it. Here it goes:
After it sank in a bit, we took charge. What did we do? My husband pulled out his wallet and the car keys and said, “here, take these (money and keys). We have set up a date for you with a girl that you know. Take her to dinner, a movie, hold hands, take a walk together (we let him understand what we were going for).
Sadly, he complied with our wishes and left for “his date” the following day. Do you want to laugh further? Well, we loaded up the car with our 2 daughters and what did we do? Of course, we followed him. Just to make sure that he picked up the girl. After we were assured that he had picked her up, we left on the note that this will “fix his confusion” and realize that he is not gay after all.
We waited for him to return from his “date”, anxiously. Well, “how did it go” we asked? He looked at us and said, “the date went well” but when walking down the street, with the girl, all I could do was check out the guys”
Need I go further? That day we started the road to acceptance. I can go on and on, perhaps after this letter is submitted, I can share more of my stories (and there are so many more). Hopefully, this will help parents understand that “it is not the end of the world for them. Looking forward for feedback on this.
Best Regards Maria. U.S.A
A Father’s Story
How did I feel when I found out my daughter was a lesbian? It’s hard to say. It was a mixture of feelings. My first thought was that life will be difficult for her. She is different and so therefore she would suffer the consequences of being different: suspicion, fear and rejection by the so-called normal world.
She would carry a label: dangerous and contagious, stay away, protect yourself! This made me feel sad at first, then angry, then protective. How could I help my daughter? I decided to learn more about homosexuality. Why does it happen? Can it be cured? I later found out that the first question, to date, has no answer, the second is a fallacious one, because it is not a disease.
I read a lot, and that confused me. The opinions expressed by various authors, in some cases, differed drastically, based on their backgrounds and what they were trying to prove.
It was my daughter who directed my wife and me to Parents of Gays. It was then that I realized that I was not alone. The same feelings of guilt, inadequacy, and sorrow were shared by many. There was one feeling I did not share.
Some people were angry at their children for being homosexuals, since they felt that it had brought shame on them.
Since my daughter has told us she’s a lesbian and my wife and I have learned more about sexual orientation, we have become much closer to our daughter. Prior to this, there were times when she seemed distant, unhappy, at times impatient with us.
This has all changed.
I could go on with many more details, but I think the statement my daughter made recently sums it all up: “Dad, I have never been as happy and relaxed as I am now that you know and understand.”
Two Sons Are Gay
We have three sons, two of whom are homosexuals.
When our eldest son was 18, he told us he was gay. My husband’s response was simple: “Are you sure?”
I, on the other hand, had a great sense of guilt and failure, wondering where we had gone wrong. We have always been a close and loving family, and I worried whether the relationship with our eldest son would suffer as a result of his homosexuality.
I also had a great concern for his future happiness and well-being, as did my husband. I soon realized that our son was the same person I had always known and loved, but through his honesty I now knew more about him.
But understanding came later, after our son directed us to Parents of Gays. I no longer felt alone; new windows of understanding were opened by asking questions, listening and reading.
It was a difficult but positive stage in my life, which took time and patience.
I am happy to say that today our family is as close as ever, but our relationship is more open and honest than before.
My Brother Is Gay
I will never forget that day. It was October 1998, just after my 29th birthday. My brother Tom had invited me down the pub the night before, in a brief and puzzling phone call. All he would say is he needed to talk to me about something important, no matter how I probed nothing more was forthcoming.
So there I sat, staring into my lager, waiting for my little brother.
To be honest, I suspected Tom wanted me to lend him money; he was always clubbing and buying new clothes. I often wondered how he could afford it on his part-time salary as a waiter.
He arrived late, as usual, with a lame excuse, as usual, and we made with the small chat, as usual. How is such and such, did you see the movie on the TV… Then without warning, Tom said ‘Mark, I’m gay.’
I didn’t know what to say, I mean what can you say to that?
I think all I could manage to say was an ‘Ok’ for the next 5 or so minutes. The first thing I can remember thinking is ‘That explains a lot.’ Tom was never a ‘normal’ person, always walking his own roads in life.
As a kid he had refused to play football with the other boys in the neighbourhood, instead preferring to play dress-ups with our sister and her friends. I always just accepted Tom for being Tom, without thinking about it.
I knew I had to say something, anything. ‘How long have you known?’ I asked, still very stunned. He replied he had always known. I guess I had too. ‘Who else knows?’ I asked. I was the only one from our family who knew, which didn’t surprise me.
That day we didn’t really say much else, I think we were both emotionally drained. Small talk somehow crept back into the conversation. We talked about TV shows, the weather, my car.
Shortly after, excuses were exchanged and we went our separate ways home.
I didn’t hear from Tom after that, which was unusual. So I decided to take it upon myself and call him.
A short time into a rather awkward phone conversation I took the bull by the horns ‘You know I don’t care that your gay don’t you.’ I said, hoping I wasn’t making a huge mistake. ‘Your sexuality means nothing to me. I just want you to be happy.’
Later that day we met at the pub. It was like the awkwardness never existed, we played pool, we laughed at stupid stories, we got so drunk we literally had to be carried to a taxi.
Basically like old times, like ‘nothing had changed’ I thought. Of course things had not changed, my brother just confided in me.
I felt special and I loved him more for trusting me.
When Tom came out to our parents, he asked me to be there for moral support, so I was of course.
We drove in my car, from Sydney to Newcastle. All the way I could tell Tom was ‘scared shitless’.
He didn’t talk much, which is out of character for Tom, who is usually the life of the party.
We all went inside sat down and Tom told them what he had to say.
They were stunned initially, but also, like me, deep down inside they knew this was Tom. Dad went pale for a few minutes, but after a few minutes was back to his normal self. Dad never really cared for what other people thought and always taught us to be true to ourselves.
I think he is proud of Tom, as we all are.
It takes so much courage to do this.
Mum went quiet but also in a few minutes was back to herself in no time, taking it in her stride. I think she knew better than anyone who Tom was.
We all knew to be happy Tom had to be himself, and if he is gay then he is gay. Simple. As usual, our parents love was unrelenting and they did nothing but make Tom feel loved and needed. We all ate dinner together and everything was great.
On the way home Tom was back to his old self. I could see in his eyes he had a huge weight lifted off his shoulders.
Tom and I saw a lot more of each other after that. We would meet once or twice a week for a laugh and a beer at the pub. I managed to convince Tom to come to the cricket with me, which was a great time. Tom must be the only Australian not to know how to play cricket. He always makes me laugh like a fool.
After a few months, he told me he was involved with someone, and he wanted me to meet his new partner, Stuart.
I didn’t even know he was seeing anyone, but I can understand Tom wanting to take things a small step at a time, and waiting to tell me.
We all met at the infamous Pub, and as usual, everything was fine. No awkwardness, and to my relief, Stuart was great, a genuinely nice person.
When I saw them together, I knew in my heart of hearts Tom was happy, and that is all that matters to me.
That seems like it happened so long ago, but it was only 4 years ago. So much changed but nothing did.
Tom is still happily with Stuart, they just returned back in Australia from a 6 month holiday in England, and moved into a house around the corner from me.
My 3 year old daughter Desrae has two loving uncles who she adores to pieces, and my darling wife Jade is best of friends with both Tom and Stuart.
We are all planning to take a holiday together when Desrae is a little older. I want to visit Asia, but Tom wants to see South America.
Some things will never change, when everything else does.
I Feel Like I’ve Lost My Best Friend
I’ll make this short and sweet because i’m still trying to get through the next hour without getting hysterical crying. My daughter is going into her last year of Nursing school. She’s a very bright and well liked young lady. For the past few months I have been suspicious about her sexual orientation. She went away with all her high school friends this past weekend along with a new friend who is not from the area. When I first met the girl a couple of weeks ago I said to my husband that I thought she might be gay. When she came home from her long weekend the girl came in my home again…when she left I said to my daughter…Is she gay? My daughter said yes and then I proceeded to ask her if she was…..she said yes! Even though I was thinking she might have been i was not prepared for that answer. I was devastated!I cried all day today. I went out and drove around for awhile just to get my thoughts together. Well I can’t get my thoughts together. My daughter had one of her friends pick her up and i’m sure she won’t be back till I go to bed. We haven’t said two words to each other all day. I am the mother of 5 children(4 boys, one girl)she is the youngest. She is my life and now I feel like my life has been taken away from me. My husband and my other children haven’t said a thing. It doesn’t seem to phase them…..meanwhile i feel like my best friend died. I don’t know what to do. It hurts so bad.
Well…you’ll have to excuse my bad bad english! My case is kinda different, I’m gay and my parents didn’t support my decision or tried to understand me, they tried to change me instead. I did therapy for a year and some months but the truth was that i never really wanted to change, but they put me in a spot were I had to choose between being who I am and leave them or being who they wanted me to be, I love myself just the way I am. Eventually they found out that I had a boyfriend and simply cut me out of their lives. I’m 16 now and they don’t even talk to me, still I’ll have to live in their house till I’m 18. I just want to ask that if you have a gay son or daughter don’t be ashamed and don’t treat him different your love must be unconditional or he’ll end up just like me, hating the same persons you once loved…
My Wife Loves Another Woman
I am the father of 3 boys-2 teenagers,and one who is 6. My wife approx 6-9 months hinted that she is inlove with another woman. I am not sure what I can do if anything. I want to remain in the house with her and the kids-but she seems to want to perhaps go seperate ways and try to take the children.She might stay if I accept her new life.I certainly do not want her to leave. That is all for now Thanks
Gay And Anonymous
I am a young gay male whose friends are all straight. I find it very difficult to come to terms with who I am. I know my friends would not accept it, they have some idea of what I am but I dont ever confirm it.
I have been using drugs with the past few years and the reason for this is an escape from reality. I dont think I will ever be able to let them know the real me but thats how it goes.
My Husband Is Gay
I married my husband over 20 years ago and I always felt there was something not quite right and felt it must be me as he kept saying everything was ok and we went on to have seven children. We also spent the last ten years looking after his mother up untill she died in Feburary. That’s when our lives would get easier but I could not be more wrong……my relationship with my husband was still sexually limited. I sat him down and asked him outright if he was gay and he admitted he has known since he was about 14.
I have to admit I felt gutted but not shocked. I am trying to be supportive and even went to gay clubs with him so as he could find his way round and meet other people. I’m finding it very difficult as I still love him and want him to be happy. I know he could never have come out sooner because of his parents and the strict catholic upbrining he has had. Nick still wants his family, his home, me and his lover. All I seem to be able to do is be here for him.. I do feel so lonely and scared at times wondering what tomorrow will bring and wondering if he will still want his family as he does now.
Living A Lie
I’ve always known that I was different from other boys. It started at a young age perhaps at age 6.
I’ve always been told that I was different to other boys but these comments came across as more of a criticism rather than an acknowledgment. From a young age I was in love with barbies and dress up in womens’ clothing. I simply love all feminine things-anything I see as pretty I latched onto it.
I remember seeing hot guys in music videos in the late 80s but I never assumed or thought of myself as gay…just different I guess.
In 1997 I found myself having these attractions to males which was confusing because previously I had loved girls, they were the gender that turned me on…now this sudden change, I didn’t know what to make out of all this. I felt a range of emotions; anger, disgust, self loathing, confusion and I felt scared and lost. I wanted to tell someone but I was too young back then.
I thought I was being “naughty” in having these attractions. It wasn’t so much in the attraction, but it was what I was attracted to that was the problem. I felt scared of people hating me, treating me differently and perhaps not being nice to me anymore if I told them I was gay.
My self loathing went on for 3 yrs until in 2000 I felt tired of hating and beating myself over something that I had no control over so I just accepted that I was gay. Then in 2002 I came out to my parents and told them the sad news. They refused to believe it. They thought I was trying to get more attention out of them .
Later they reckon I was confused, or that I read too much books and that it has brainwashed me. But when after all the yelling and tears and dramas in the house, they finally believed me but my father said I had to be straight or he’ll disown me and that I’ll be kicked out.
I have no choice. I was still going to school, and I had no money to rent a room so to speak so I just agreed to be straight-a lie of course but what can I do?
I have no job , not enough friends let alone have any money so I needed to lie just so that I can have a ongoing roof above my head.
Maybe I’ll move out one day once I have a job. But for now I’m eating food in his house, living in his home, so I’ll have to obey his rules. Sad but true. That’s the beauty of life.(lols!)
Hurt And Confused
Being a homosexual is hard for me. I do watch my parents like a hawk, looking for any evidence that they may be homophobic or judgemental about gay people.
I have seen my mother stare at a gay couple adding a comment to my father. Watching tv showing a homosexual couple in love, the look on my parents face is a digusted, horror look with hands to eyes to cover.
This has made me feel uncomfortable, depressed, and not relaxed. After seeing how my parents treat gay people, makes me treat my parents how they treat gay people in a disrespectable way.
They always wondered why i give them a hard time, it hurts me to see them hurt and also they hurt me to see their feelings on homosexuals as disgusting.
I always wonder how i would confront my parents about myself. And to think whether they would accept me, think different towards me as in push me away from them or still love me as the same child as I have been all their life.
But to say, Im proud to be a lesbian. My task is to confront my parents some day about myself when the time.
A Proud Gay American
I am a Gay American. I am i Proud gay American. For 17 years of my life i have been living a lie. My family does not know tha ti am gay and i cannot tell them either. my mother is one of the most homophobic people i have ever meet and my grandparents are een more homophobic then she is.
There have been times were i could of told them but refused and lies and now i am tired of it, i am tireed of living two lives afraid that one will catch up with the other, afraid that they will find out that i am gay and thinking that i have been brainwashed and confused. But i havent is is a realization that i came to after 3 years of denial and 6 months of depression.
Now I Am A Proud Gay American
Different From All The Other Girls
Well, I always knew I was different from all the other girls – they’d be drooling over ther “hot guys”, while I was playing footy with the “hot guys.” I’d come home covered in mud from playing at school. As I got older, I got into motors and developing tomboyish hobbies, for example, cars, wrestling, footy at lunchtime, checking out girls… I knew I was a lesbian [actually, I prefer gay] from the age of about 8 or 9, because I didn’t really get into the whole makeup, girlie, fashion stuff. But I didn’t come to the conclusion that “yes, I’m gay” until I was about 13.
I was raped by my male best friend of about 10 years, and that did it. I’d already started checking out girls, but this did it. About six months afterwards, I came out to my mum, who went into denial. I’m 15 now, so I’ve been living with a non-accepting parent for just over two years.
I came out to my stepfather only a few weeks ago, and he reacted in a positive way. He is a pillar of support for me, and we talk about my “gay issues” whenever I want, as long as my mum isn’t around!
Basically, to this day, my mum doesn’t believe I’m gay, and I can’t really prove it – just like a hetero can’t prove that they’re str8. Mum asked me if I’m sure I’m gay, and how I knew. Some people think I’ve had sex with girls to know I’m gay – but that’s like saying a str8 person is only str8 if they have sex with the opposite sex.
I’m also planning a fake marraige to one of my close friends, who is a bisexual. We’re going to perform this at school. It’s going to be great, because apparently I love this female friend. Well, I do, but she doesn’t know that… my life is a bad story made good again.
Just when I though I’d hit rock bottom, I floated to the surface. For all the closeted youth out there, you will never know someone’s reaction [in detail] to your “coming out” until you tell them about it. Take a couple of steps out of your comfort zone.
My mum’s homophobic – bad reaction. My suprisingly accepting stepfather – good reaction. You never know until you try. Trust me. God bless you all on your fabulous journey. Amen.
Well about a year ago my daughter told her dad and I she was gay. I must say I was not shocked. I had suspected it for a while. She is not the typical gay woman she is beautiful and very feminine. Everyone always tells her she should be a model. My pain comes because she wants to be honest with everyone and she has lost jobs over this they always find a good reason to let her go other then her sexuality but I know better. Her girlfriend is nice but she doesn’t encourage her to do better in her life she just lets her be. I don’t judge my girl I just want her to succeed in life and I want her to have a partner that wants the same for her. We are not getting along right now because I make my thoughts known and she thinks I am picking on her because of her sexuality and that is just not true I want her to succeed I have many gay friends many not one or two may be twenty. All successful I have tried to get them to talk to her to tell her just because you are gay does not mean you must lead a lax life she is 19 she has flunked out of school lost 3 jobs and only wants to party all the time. Her girlfriend works and supports her. I want her to be self sufficent just as I would if she were with a man. Help me someone what can I do.
14 and Bi
I am a Young Bisexual Female,at the younge age of 14,15 in about a Week. Many of you may think 14 is a little young to Decide what Ones Sexuality is,But That is just it..I Dont know,I Fall in love with Any sex,I am attracted To personalitys. I am nothing But a caring Individual,Unique, abit Tom-boyish. Me and My Best friend of Two years have recently Discovered that the two of us had been Intrested in eachother,Yet again..only 14,Not Expireienced. My mother,Who is very uncomfotorble With Gays/Lesbians/Bis Has Started to grow Suspicious,Due to the Fact I had cut My hair short and Spiked it,And I spend Much time on the computer Talking to what she thinks is Just My Best friend (But is also My Significant other) She jumps on me as I’m comming home from school,Starts Automatically calling me hurtful names,Telling Me I can never see My best friend again.and Even called her father and Told him that she was a ‘Fag’. I really wish she would have taken time to Listen to me. All I want is to Be Myself,To be attarcted to who I want,and Have My mother Love me Reguardless Of Who I am. Hopefully after Me sending Her this website..She may understand a Bit better..Thank you So much,This website was Awesome. Thanks
Doesn’t want to be gay.
My son is 16. He was top in his class, very popular and well liked. He is gay. Last year he tryed to kill himself by overdosing on 80 pills. He feels God is punishing him. I dont know what to do anymore. I love
him, but he doesnt love himself????
Always new I was gay.
Well, ive known i was “different” from a young age, i was into barbie-dolls, “god-dresses” (dont ask), and dressing up. I didnt consider myself gay until i was 12, and i came out to my friends in school, and
eventually my sister found out (where in the same school) and she told my mum.
But, my mum already had suspicions i was gay since the age of 5, i dont knowhow but, she was right! when my dad accidentally found out, he didnt take it well at all. He discarded me as his son for awhile but eventually came to terms that i was gay. I just wanna say now that if you cant come out to your parents,
try your friends, if you can trust them, if not then theres always this great
site! SAY IT LOUD AND SAY IT PROUD!
Why do I feel this way?
My daughter shared with me several weeks ago that she is gay. I love her and continue to support her as a person but I become physically illwhen she talks about having a date with another woman. I get anxious, angryand uncomfortable. I shared with her how I feel and that I do not want her tothink that I love her any less. I am ashamed that I am handling this in thisway. Why am I grieving? What am I so sad about? Can someone help me please.
Just out of the closet
I have just come out to everybody, not even 1 and one-half weeks ago. I told my parents (well my Dad and Step-Mom) on my Step-Mom’s birthday. They took it well I thought, but then after about a week it began to change. My Dad told me I was doing something dangerous and told me I was going to get infected with AIDS. Well since my step-brother (straight) is the one having all of the sex with the girls that have had it with every boy at school, I figured he would get that talk, not me. But I also got the “psychiatrist” talk. My father wants to make me see one, to change me. That won’t happen… I went through therapy on my own coming out, and I have made my decision.
My friends were all okay with it except from one of them. The one was a girlfriend of mine who doesn’t accept me. She just ignores it and pretends it isn’t there. But I love my friend, my best friend. I love him more than anything in the world. He means everything to me. When I told him I was gay, it didn’t even phase him. So I confessed my feelings for him. But now he doesn’t talk to me as much, or hang out with me, and we have grown distant. And now my friends are starting to think more and more about it and are starting to reject me.
I have been gay for a very long time, it is just that no one ever knew it. And now people act as if I am a completely different person. I am no longer Baylen (that’s me!), I am some weirdo faggot who is probably raping little boys and trying on my sister’s clothes (IMAGINE!). Okay, I like boys, so why would I want to be a girl? And I like boys, so why would I want to date a boy who ACTS like a girl? Then I could jsut date a girl !!!!! NO! I don’t wear pantyhose and high heels. I wouldn’t even think of it !!!! But now people automatically assume that I do or will.
If you are reading this, please be more accepting of gay people. They are probably more normal than you, and I guarantee you know someone who is, you just don’t know they are. But that’s okay, it doesn’t mean they’re a different person. And if you are a parent, don’t try to CHANGE your child. Leave them alone. If they want to be straight they will, but if you try to force them, they’ll hate you. Oh, and don’t force them to go to church, that’s what made me hate my father. You are who you are, and you don’t chose to be that way. Make sense? Well the same applies for gay people.
Gay isn’t a life-style or big change. It is a characteristic, just like the fact that you may have big ears! If you are not gay, you will never fully understand it. So just accept it knowing that you WON’T be able to understand it, but you can learn from it!
Baylen 16, FL-USA
Young gay guys – You are not alone
I’m writing this story partly for young gay guys – you are NOT alone. Being old and wize (as I am at 21, lol) I can tell you that you are never alone, its just a matter of finding yourself, and then finding others like you. There are just so many people on this earth that you couldn’t possibly be unique. And partly for families. I still haven’t told my familiy or friends. I’m still working it out in my head. Writing this is a part of my preparation in a way. I hope you will empathise with me and with your son/daughter/brother/sister/whatever. I hope you will see that no one would choose this life of agony and guilt. I am just a normal guy. I’m passionate and loving, i’m funny and I love to laugh. I’m just like you. We are just like you.
I’ve always known I was different. So different and so alone. Now, at 21, I know I’m not that different really. My story is a lot like many others’ stories. I never liked sports. I was always described as a “girly boy”. My own mother once said to a friend “He’s more of a girl than his sister” (she didn’t know I was listening, and I doubt she’d remember it if I asked her about it now. She would probably even deny it).
I don’t remember much about what I felt in early high school, but I remember that I was always teased about being gay.
I always denied it. I believe that I was being truthful, not in denial, because I didn’t identify as such and therefore I wasn’t gay. I wasn’t really anything. I knew I wasn’t “normal” but I didn’t take the mental leap to being “gay” either. It wasn’t an issue.
I didn’t have any boyfriends (or girlfriends for that matter), so it didn’t really matter what I was. I was me.
When I was 16 I had a huge crush on my best friend. I had a lot of other problems at the time. Major depression, and illness.
I even attemped suicide. I couldn’t tell my parents. I was so ashamed. So I confided it all in him. He couldn’t handle the burden of supporting a friend in such an emotional mess, and cut me out of his life. It hurt so much. But looking back I don’t blame him. Although it still hurts to think about that period, I wish him no ill. I will always care for him, even if it is very deep down.
At this stage, I was aware that I liked guys. A lot. I would fantasise about them. But I still didn’t consider myself gay. It was a dirty word to me. A sinful word. But life carried on. I was wracked with guilt every time a good looking guy came into my field of vision I would instantly think “he’s hot!!” then realise what I was thinking and try to erase the thought. I would pray to be “normal” but I never once used the “g-word” in my prayers. I would stop short and end up saying “I pray that I would be normal. I don’t want to be… you know.”
Between the ages of 18 to 20 I think deep down I knew I was “probably gay” but never had the guts to admit it. Everytime a gay storyline came on TV i was incredibly uncomfortable. I would stare at my knees trying to look nonchalant. I wonder if it worked? I don’t know. A few months after I turned 21 I took the leap and said, in my head, to myself “I’m gay.” Writing that down now sent a shiver down my spine. I honestly don’t remember that moment well. But it was important. I’d finally admitted to myself what I’d known for the longest time.
My family and friends still don’t know. In my heart of hearts I think that some must have suspicions. In a way I hope they do. It will make the task of coming out to them easier. I’ve been thinking about it so much lately. I can pretty much categorise my family and friends into 4 groups: 1) Those who will need very little time to come to terms with it, because they are already fairly ok with the idea of homosexuality, it is just a matter of coming to terms with ME being gay. If they already suspected I was gay, they will be even quicker. 2) Those who will need more time, maybe months, maybe years, but who will eventually come to terms with it. They won’t have thought much about homosexuality in any great detail because it doesn’t affect them. Once they get over that hurdle, they will be ok with my homosexuality. 3) Those who will not accept it. They won’t be able to come to terms with my homosexuality. BUT (and this is important) they love me so much that altho they either can’t accept or disprove of my homosexuality, they will continue to love and support me. 4) Those who willnot accept it, won’t want to, and will probably not speak to me much anymore.
Whichever group someone falls into, I really don’t mind. That’s you. You are you and I am me. For either to pretend would be unfair on us both. I hope this has been of some help to someone. Stay true to yourself and your loved ones, whether you (or they) are gay, straight, bisexual, trans, martians, venusians, you get the idea.
Not Easy Coming Out
Coming out is not an easy thing!
I am a 16 year old bisexual female. I have a lot of gay, lesbian and bisexual friends, so coming out to them wasn’t hard. We were all sitting around at a local club talking, when the question came up “who would you go gay/ straight for?” everyone took their turn; most said famous people, but when it became my turn I said that I’d go gay for my best friend who was a girl and sitting across the table from me. Everyone turned to be and was a bit surprised then the girl stood up, leaned over the table and kissed me. To say that I was shocked would have been an understatement.
We have been together for almost a year and my friends are completely accepting of our relationship.
I still haven’t told my family members, because I know what they would say. They are not very accepting of people who are attracted to the same sex. So I know that telling them while living under their roof is out of the question. I will tell them, when I’m ready, just not yet.
My girlfriend does come over often, my family just thinks that she’s a friend…which is true, just not all of the truth. My little brother knows that I’m “bent”(as my friends and adoptive/girlfriends family puts it) and just recently confided in my the fact that he is gay. So he is facing the same problem that I am with telling our mother and his father. Though because of his femininity I don’t think he’ll be able to keep his little secret much longer. Just like me, his friends know and support him too and he has a boyfriend.
I guess I don’t really understand why people are apposed to the fact of someone being different in such a way. I mean it’s not hurting them, is it? I guess that’s just one of the greatest mysteries of the world…why people act the way they do when they don’t understand something so simple.
So that’s my story.
-beautiful soul, USA
16 And Gay
Hi, my name is christopher. I am 16 years old and i am gay. i came out to my youngest sister first when i was 13, i didn’t know how sure i was of myself at first. Then in an argument between me and my sisters my youngest sister said “well at least i am not_____” she stopped. My older sister said “not what?” I got hot and felt like i was going to pass out. Then I said “gay”. She had to sit down.
With this in my head and so much drama and family problems atop me being gay it didnt help anything. I cried to myself everynight telling myself tommorow I will tell my parents. I never did. So for two years i kept it a secret form them. Untill one night when i was alone with my mom when the gay subject came up and i started crying. My mom was like “what” she looked at me and said you are gay arent you. I cried even harder and said yes. She to had to sit down, she started crying and we sat there for two hours after her calling my sisters and telling them to come home to basicly have a family meeting.
I told my family everything, all the feelings I had, how long I had known, and who i thought was “handsome”. For a few weeks evryone was real strict to not bring it up but then everyone was cool with it. My dad was going to be the hardest to tell. Then one night i heard him ask my mom if she thought i was gay. She said I know he is. Silence. She said but that does not change our opinion DOES IT. He said no it doesnt. I felt relieved.
Now im 16 years old and i have had three relationships with different guys, but i was still “soul searching” so to say. Now im in my 3rd relationship with this guy named Charlie and i am so happy and now very sure of myself. My family is very cool with it and now my whole extended family knows and some are religious and wary. But for the ones that I care most about are so nice to me and never talk about gay negativily and that is soothing. I now live in oklahoma city where the percent of gays is I think 62 and this is where i found Charlie. I am happier than i have ever been.
I have tried suicide 3 times with pill and razors. I now have know idea why i ever tried it was dumb but I got stronger along the way.
After reading your page I was like cool a family who is not scared…like mine. I give you guys props for your strength and being able to not let go of sanity like many familys do. I thank you for such a wonderful place to go and read info on the gay issue.
Sometimes It’s Easier To Live A Lie
I am a 17 year old guy turning 18 this july. I am gay, or so i thought. Let me start from the beginning. I am a child of six. i have been raised by my parents in idaho falls, ID my whole life. I am “the middle” child. I have 2 older brothers and two younger brothers. I also have a half sister who is a year older than me. I never really consider her to be my “half” but just my sister.
While I was growing up I always thought that my two younger brothers were too young to play with and I never got to do anything with my older brothers because I was never big enough. I always hated action figures which is what my younger brothers were doing and I hated football, what my older brothers were doing. The closest sibling I had to even talk to was my sister. Since I can remember, we have been best friends. We did everything together. we played barbies, told secrets, we grew to know eachother inside and out. I dont think there was a place that we went by ourselves. I always loved to do things that she was doing, I admired her in every aspect.
My parents knew we were very close and loved to see us playing around the house. Fast foward to elementary school. This is when i started having a lot of girlfriends and not so many platonic friends that were boys. During recess the girls and I would chase the boys and make fun of them. I thought it was perfectly normal and so did everyone else. It wasnt until much later that the accusations started at school. I was always fond of the boys. In seventh grade I was in a computer class and infatuated over a boy who sat infront of me, his name was Salvador. He was the cutest person I had ever seen at the time.
At this point I had not been introduced to homosexuality. I had no idea what it even was. I didnt think of myself as wierd or abnormal. I felt content with myself.
I actually didnt have a complete definition of “gay” until high school in the ninth grade. That is when I knew I was gay and I liked boys. I then figured that I was different. I was somewhat of a loner. I walked the halls by myself and had one or two friends that I didnt talk to much. In fact almost nobody even knew who I was. I entered 10th grade in a new school with new people and teachers. I felt alone and by myself for the first time. I was not a sports fanatic like most guys and I didnt enjoy talking to any of the girls. The only friend I really had was my cousin and we didnt talk much.
My femininity was obvious to many and I was constantly a target of anger or just someone to make fun of. I kept everything inside and would go home and cry myself to sleep. I was lost and didnt know what to do. I had never been so alone. There was not a single person to talk to. My sister at the time was living in Iowa. We share the same father and so when her mother moved (which was frequent) so did she. The eleventh grade came and went with as much fun and joy and tenth…. none.
The summer of my junior year is when I came out to my friends. I was at work and I worked at a call center with 500 other people so I had made some friends. I started out with telling them first. Many were open minded and if anything.. loved me more. There were some that were unaccepting and cut off all communication with me..but it was a few amount. The school year approached and it was time for me to tell my classmates. I had changed drastically over the summer and became a whole new person. I started many friendships and became well known.
I have grown to have very liberal views on the world and everything that surrounds me. I have had the best teachers who supported me the whole way. I came out to my mother about six months ago. Now my mother is a very conservative member of the church of Latter Day Saints-mormon. I was forced out to my mother by my older brother who read an email I had sent a friend not knowing that my brother knew the guy I sent the email to. My brother told my mother everything.
She came to me and asked me. I was straight with her and gave her the answer she was hoping to be untrue. Unfortuanately for her it wasn’t. She ranted and screamed and yelled for days. She told me I would contract AIDS and die, she said it was immoral and that I would be sent to Hell for it. She said I was defying God and the church. To her I was wrong in everyway. She yelled for 2 weeks. She gave me the silent treatment for the next week after that.
My mother can be “not-so-nice”, but every man’s best friend is his mother and I coudnt handle the fact that she wouldn’t speak to me. it was hard. My older brother told me to tell her the lie she wanted to be true. She is one who will live in denial to be happy. She would live a lie if she could. She hates facing the truth or the “possible outcome” of anything. She wants life to go smooth and will choose to not look at the things she wants to be untrue. She wants everyone to be a perfect mormon and with that life will be great.
So after three weeks of hell I told her that I was just “going through a stage” and from then on, life at home has been great. At home I am living a lie. This year I am graduating from high school and moving to Portland, Oregon to attend a culinary arts school. I am glad to get away and become myself. I hope that then I can finally tell my mother the truth and let her come to terms with it on her own without feeling her rage. Thank you so much for your time.
Very truly yours,
Will My Mom Ever Understand?
Hi, My name is Ashley I am 17 years old. I am a lesbian and that is something my mom and some of my family will not expect. I have tried to ignore what they say to me. My sister keeps trying to push guys at me left and right but she doesn’t understand. My mom refuses to take it in. She has thought that I was trying to get more attention or trying to be different from my sister. I wish that I could make her understand that I am the same daughter but I dont date guys I date girls.
My Dad on the other hand doesn’t mind that I am the way I am. He really doesn’t have time to care. He works 24/7 but knows that I am the same daughter. He always just says comments but always has to listen to my mom when she fusses about things.
I have had to face the facts that I’m sure my mom will never understand or expect that I am a lesbian. I know that she has to have time to take it in. But I told her almost 2 year ago and she has yet to take it in and expect it. I just hope in time she will.
~*Ashley Nicole Geiger*~
A Mother’s Story
I wish I had known about this site two years ago when our son told me he was gay.
I was a lost soul, blaming myself for it all and thinking because I wanted a baby girl so badly when I was pregnant that my son turned out gay. I still don’t know the answer to this question. Even now I wonder about it and the longing I had for a female child.
He told me two years ago, while I was in Sydney to see one of his plays. He had mentioned to me six months previous that he had had a very bad relationship and he would tell me about it one day. After breakfast the first morning I was there , we went for a walk and I asked him if the girl he had the bad relationship was an actor. His reply was “It wasn’t a girl Mum”, I felt my heart sink, but tried not to look hurt. He also said “You knew didn’t you”? I said to him I had often wondered about it, but thought no way would one of my children be gay.
We talked about a lot of stuff that weekend, and he seemed very happy he had come out. He had always been a very loving and affectionate boy growing up and that certainly did not change now he was a man of 25years. He told me if I wanted to know anything about it to just ask him.. Of course I was worried about the Aids aspect of it, and the fact he would never have children of his own. I guess I am lucky as I do have two other sons and a daughter who will hopefully give us grand children one day. I told him I loved him unconditionally and whatever made him happy, we would be happy for him too.
My second eldest son picked me up from the airport and I acted normal as we drove home. I was greeted by my other son and daughter all eager to hear about my weekend with my son Darren in Sydney. My husband was working overseas at the time. I was only home ten minutes and I said to them..” I have something to tell you” they all looked worried and I said, “Darren is gay” that was the first time I had actually shed a tear. My daughter said, “Mum how do you feel about this”?, My second son said ” Well it doesn’t matter to me, as I want my children to know when I have them that they have a gay Uncle..My youngest son said “Darren doesn’t really know what he wants, he is just trying new things” I was amazed at how calm they were. They wanted to know when I was going to tell there Dad, I said I did not think he could cope with news like that, so I put it off for a day, and then called him. He was very quite on the phone, and then said to me.”If you had told me ten years ago I would have been devastated, but times change and peoples attitudes change. He is our son and we love him no matter what. I later found out from my husband that he actually was very depressed for a month about the news. If he had known about this site I think he would have coped better. Now he has accepted it with open arms.
Eventually as time passed, I told my dear friends some were shocked, some said “Oh we always knew that” I told all our family. My Mum cried and my sisters were very upset. Now I am very comfortable with our son being gay. He is very happy, and says he has never loved us as much as he does now. We have accepted him for what he is and who he is, and he has accepted himself. He has a wonderful partner who loves him very much and they are very happy. Our whole family has been changed by this experience and we have met some of his amazing friends, and have had some great times.
I only wish I had known about these sites, it would have helped me get over the shock, and I would have had some support . Now I do I will be happy to help anyone else in this situation.
Yvonne Weller. Australia